Stephen Colbert once against demonstrates reality’s liberal bias by poking holes in the GOP’s opposition to birth control. You’d have thought he sky had fallen from the reaction of conservatives to making contraception part of preventative care, including the end of the human race. But don’t panic! Colbert jumps into their corner with a spirited defense that exposes the absurdity of their position.
He has a field day, opening with a stab at the Republican War on Science:
“I am an originalist. I say we live our lives the way our Founding Fathers intended: four feet tall, crippled with rickets, until we die of old age at 28.”
And that’s just the beginning of a relentless and hilarious onslaught:
He has an answer for the Dept of Health and Human Services “baffling new mandate” of HIV screenings, breast pumps, and contraception: “A woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.”
“Besides, folks, I don’t believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility do it the way God intended, with a cold, loveless marriage.”
He cites Rep. Steve King complaining that if we take contraception to its logical conclusion, “we’ve prevented a generation.”
“Exactly!” Colbert chimes in. “Americans only have children by accident. It’s clearly hard to imagine anyone having Steve King on purpose.”
The FOX News Bimbos don’t escape his notice: “Outraged Blonde FOX lady” sees the rule as an encouragement to have “unrestricted, unlimited sex anytime, anywhere.”
“If we give your daughters and granddaughters access to birth control they will instantly turn into wanton harlots with an insatiable sexual appetite. Because you know women, they’re always on the edge of nymphomaniacal orgiastic abandon. They’ll pick up the prescription, pop a pill, then bone the pharmacist, the stockboy, and then everybody in line for the bus. Why? Because the birth control was paid for by the government.”
As Colbert concludes, “we must repeal Obama care, and get back to insurance companies covering only real necessary medical expenses like boner pills. How else are we supposed to sexually satisfy the army of flesh-thirsty young sluts Obama is creating with your tax dollars.”
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Cathy
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Funny stuff–but so true!
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Barbara
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 3:13 pm
What they really want to say is that they want more white babies because the minorities in this country are out pacing birth rates of white American women. But of course, the Teabaggers and the GOP can’t bring themselves to say that out loud. Like I said the White Sheets have been traded in for suits and now call themselves The Tea Party – still the same as the GOP but with a religious and racist agenda.
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Sally
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 3:15 pm
I like the guy who thinks this is a plan to end the human race….right…can we start with the GOP?
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AFM
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 3:16 pm
These are the very people that are against abortion then when the woman has the child they don’t want to help her raise a healthy child. I wonder do these church going christains kids are part of the problem. You know many so called christains young people are not virgins. I know many who aren’t. They say one thing but do another.
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Shiva (Moderator)
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
The worst part? The gop and tea bags will never understand what he is going on about. Huh? Me? You libs dont get it, we need babies and sluts for our future war with whoever is next
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Rmuse
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 3:58 pm
I didn’t see this on his show, but it’s awesome. I’m glad you wrote this and blended some humour with a very sad story. It took the edge off of the anger I had when learning of another religious attack on contraception. In fact, I didn’t write about this because I am not yet ready to die of a stroke from the severe anger I have. Hraf, once more you channeled my thoughts and I’m thrilled you took the correct approach. Excellent!
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Hrafnkell Haraldsson
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Thank you, Muse. As always, appreciated. We’re in lockstep again, as in much else. I was only able to write this because Colbert’s scathing satire gave me a sane “in” to the material.
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LL
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Let’s see, they’re typically
Pro-gun
Pro-war
Pro-bomb
Anti-healthcare
Anti-welfare
Anti-FDA (or any government regulation on what we eat, drink or breathe for that matter!)
…
Help me out here because I’m confused, right-wingers. Where does the Pro-LIFE part come in, again?
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mathazar
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 6:53 pm
Zactly, but you forgot pro-capital punishment, and oh, just for good measure, pro-torture.
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Makarios
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 6:48 pm
“A woman’s health decisions are a private matter between her priest and her husband.” I am SO stealing this!
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Marina
Aug. 7th, 2011 at 10:05 am
So am I.
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Rocksteady
Aug. 11th, 2011 at 6:34 pm
I’m not afraid to say it: I’d rather a woman kill her baby than raise it in resentment.
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Brown cow
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 8:14 pm
If there had been free contraception available a few years back, then Bristol Palin would not have her “career”.
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AcidQueen
Aug. 6th, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Who is Bristol Palin?
(for the sarcasm-impaired: I know full well who she is. I simply do not care about nor pay any attention to the little trollop)
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Bertha
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 8:28 pm
I don’t have a problem with giving everyone FREE contraceptives/gynecology care. That’s just as long as everyone realizes WE ALL will pick up the tab. Nothing and I mean NOTHING in this world is free.
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Shiva (Moderator)
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 8:38 pm
Thats prety much understood. We are already picking up the tab for many babies born to unwed mothers which is more expensive
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Hrafnkell Haraldsson
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 8:39 pm
And we’re paying the religious right through their faith-based programs to fight preventing those increased costs. I’d rather see my money put to good and useful use, personally.
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Bertha
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 9:44 pm
So when does it all stop? When do we pay for ourselves? Why do we all have to depend on the government and others for what we need? Obviously, there are exceptions but, if one is able bodied – I’m just saying-
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personal failure
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 10:13 pm
Bertha, churches are able bodied, why don’t they start paying taxes? just saying.
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Bertha
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 10:34 pm
Churches and the wonderful individuals that donate their time and funds are a part of what this country needs. Not HUGE government that has uncontrolled spending and basically no real regulation.
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Bertha
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 10:40 pm
Personal Failure- you have to remember that 51% of Americans don’t pay taxes. I personally think a flat tax system would be much more fair. If an individual can vote – shouldn’t they pay taxes? Even if it was determined that a person could only afford $50. At least they would have a stake in what was happening in their community. Churches- I agree should be exempt.
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Shiva (Moderator)
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 11:02 pm
Bertha, the 51% do pay taxes. However they do not make enough money or are unemployed to pay income taxes.
The middle class that do pay taxes have few deductions and pay the full rate they are supposed to pay.
1470 millionaires paid no taxes in 2009. The average rate for millionaires is much lower than the rate the middle class pays, they only average paying 20% of income.
So while you whine on and on about 51% of Americans who are making substandard wages, just remember, the millionaires could care less about you
There is no relationship between voting and paying taxes. Thats not a very nice thought you had
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Cathy
Aug. 5th, 2011 at 11:46 pm
Personal failure, Bertha? That is a very unchristian, uncompassionate thing to say. We have no right to judge another and we have no right to condemn that we do not understand. Your remarks make me very sad–and angry.
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Bertha
Aug. 6th, 2011 at 12:45 am
Sorry to make you angry and sad Cathy. I
personally think Shiva needs anger management and a little reality or fact checking.
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Shiva (Moderator)
Aug. 6th, 2011 at 12:51 am
You obviously have no facts to refute what I said. Your hurt for being wrong?
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Bertha
Aug. 6th, 2011 at 1:04 am
I stated my facts Shiva. Duh~ oh – you need to spell check. Sorry.
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Shiva (Moderator)
Aug. 6th, 2011 at 1:12 am
And I refuted them. If thats all you have then goodbye
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Anne
Aug. 9th, 2011 at 2:30 pm
Colbert also does a good job of showing the circular logic of the Teapublicans. They are always condemning the fact that there are kids being raised on welfare, yet if they had their way, there would be even more of them. Apparently, they also believe that birth control is a license for promiscuity in women, rather than seeing it as a tool that women use toward the very individual responsibility the Teapublicans claim they believe in. The fact that they are in favor of funding Viagra for men, but not birth control for women, is a blatant indication of their misogyny.
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