House Republicans Fall Flat On Their Faces With Super Secret Summer Recess Plan

Right when you think you can’t feel any sorrier for House Republicans, they go and do something really, really sad like use the Plantation Room to figure out how to get the black vote or tell women that they should make lemonade out of rape. Today is another one of those days. A day you will have to resign yourself to suffering some measure of pity for the party causing so much trouble for the country.

The Republicans’ secret plans for more “offense” during the August recess have been published by the Washington Post. But that’s not why you should feel bad for them. No, it’s not that. It’s that their plan is so… so… so Republican.

It’s Romneyesque in its blind fail. It’s ORCA on steroids. From giving subject lines for op-eds (because nothing says opinion like a copy and paste!) to giving instructions for how to use townhalls for propaganda so they can stay on the offensive, Republicans are bound and determined to double down on the fail.

House Republicans have a short, 31-page planning kit (every new opportunity to fail needs a planning kit presented on Power Point) they’re calling “Fighting Washington for All Americans”. This is how they are going to present themselves to you, the voter. They will be the outsider come to fight for the real people!

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Enter hero, House Republican, stage right. Hero will use strange new device called social media to infiltrate the Obama coalition (aka, the majority of the nation) with Republican propaganda like “Washington is out of control” (oh so original!). The narrative will be that government is bad and Republicans are outside government so vote Republican.

Republican hero’s Republican script from Republican playbook includes, “Fighting Washington isn’t about creating more partisan gridlock, heated rhetoric, or Republicans versus Democrats.”

Hey, don’t laugh. This has worked for them in the past and it still works on those too enraptured by the shiny hero to ask what exactly Republicans have done for them lately and if they are so outside of DC then why are they asking to be sent BACK to DC.

Hero will use Vine a lot because Obama won using social media. So Vine.

On Vine, Republicans will explain to you how they are the only thing protecting you from affordable healthcare and the Evil Obama administration, because this worked for them in 2012. Er. Scratch that. It will work for them if they spread this poo on social media. Vine!

They will Vine their “Emergency Health Care Town Halls”, which will probably look a lot alike since they kinda be going by a script about Obama overreach and how Republicans are fighting for jobs for you (er, no), but FUN! Also, Instagram it, for the hip vote and don’t forget the key frames for your fake “impromptu” media meet ups!

Republican hero will invoke fake Obama scandals at every turn, likening President to Nixon by mentioning “overreach” in a bizarre form of projection so specific to the GOP it should be “to Republican it.” IRS! Benghazi! Oh, my. Republican hero will “Invite local 501(c)3 and 501(c)4 group leaders” to their district office “to hear stories of how they could have been targeted by the IRS” because as Dave Weigel pointed out on Slate, anyone COULD HAVE been targeted, even if they were not and oh, the tee-vees. Make sure you Youtube it and write a horrified op-ed next day about “overreach” and “targeting”!

Only Republican hero will save you (please donate here) from mean old Obama IRS (fake story, but whatevs, keep it moving).

Republican hero will inform voters that he/she is in DC just for the voter. To fight mean Obama and DC. Not for the insider trading deals, the great salary or better healthcare. Nope. And they only want you to send them back to Hell so they can fight for you by taking away your access to healthcare.

You shouldn’t worry your pretty little head about the issues. Republican hero will tell you how you feel and point to whom you should hate this week. Done and done! Instagram that, biotches.

Also, if you put a hashtag in front of important words like “#YourTime”, the kids will love ya’. Invite people who will benefit from Republican hero’s definition of misleading bill, and ask them to have a “discussion” on something hero knows they will support.

Vine it!

See, if you lie to them on Social Media, you can win. That’s the real takeaway from the latest Republican playbook.

The boys have finally caught on. Americans are DUMB on social media, and that is why Obama was able to win the last two elections being more accessible and popular on social media. It has nothing to do with Republicans’ actual policies turning off the very people who use social media or House Republicans’ records of doing nothing but wasting money and whining while they’re at it.

The only good news revealed by this playbook is that Republicans can indeed read, and can create booklets with actual words in them, as opposed to the large font pretend “jobs!” booklets they wave at the press while spinning lies about Obama.