Last updated on December 14th, 2013 at 10:00 am
Nevermind what the bible says about Jesus having hair like lamb’s wool and skin the color of bronze. Don’t matter. Fox News has spoken, and the latest word from the stone tablets, the burning bush, that big booming voice in the sky, Charlton Heston, and all other prehistoric modes of biblical communication is that Jesus was white. To assert anything else, especially during the Christmas season, is just plain cruel to small children. Certainly their fragile psyches might be irreparably harmed by anything so vicious as the truth, and Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly just ain’t havin’ that.
Oh, and Santa is a white guy too. Which, of course, would explain why he hasn’t yet been arrested for shimmying down all those chimneys in all those upscale neighborhoods. I think we all can agree on what fate would befall a black Santa walking around on the roof of a Beverly Hills mansion holding a big sack of merchandise with no receipt.
To get more stories like this, subscribe to our newsletter The Daily.
From Crooks and Liars:
“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white,” Kelly said. “But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But Santa is what he is.”
“Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change, you know?” she added. “I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa — I just want the kids watching to know that.”
Thank you Megyn for thinking of all those poor kids. Because nothing spells Christmas spirit like a big fat white lie.
Ho. Ho. Ho.
Keith Owens (AKA Black Liberal Boomer) is a Detroit-based writer who has worked for The Detroit Free Press, Detroit’s alternative newsweekly the Metro Times, the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel, and other newspapers. He was also a nationally syndicated columnist with Universal Press Syndicate for three years beginning in 1993.
