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Ann Romney Orders Women to Wake Up and Vote for Mitt
Ladies, Ann Romney has some news for you! You thought you were looking for hope and change (also known as equal pay and rights over your body), but it turns out you should be looking for Mr. Fix It, ‘cuz nothing says independence like
marrying well -er, voting for Mitt Romney who supports the Personhood Amendment.
Speaking from the Winebrenner Theological Seminary in Findlay, Ohio today, Ann assured us that we’ve “come a long way, baby” (nothing says progress like invoking the 1968 ad campaign for Virginia Slims) and that we work harder than the guys do (how cute!). Mrs. Romney said, “I love the women of America. We’ve come a long way baby, we really have.”
Also, Ann is still mad that someone suggested that she doesn’t work, when she works super duper hard. Yes, it’s true that she told the Boston Globe that she didn’t work, but that was years ago when Mitt was running for Senate. Back then, referring to being a mom as “not working” was cool apparently, and also a status thing.
In these modern times of Looking for Mr Fix It, “We work harder than most of you guys out there, I think you know that. Our work is never done. I think you kind of know that I work hard too, even though I’ve been told that I haven’t.”
But now, we womens are all about the progress! So, Mrs. Romney tells you ladies to “wake up!” already.
“Women, you need to wake up. Women have to ask themselves who’s going to have and be there for you. I can promise you, I know, that Mitt will be there for you. He will stand up for you, he will hear your voices.”
Yeah, you wanna know who’s gonna be there for you? It’s not Mr. Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay guy, oh no. It’s the guy you have to please in order to beg for the equal pay. If you’re a good girl, though, you get all the spoils! FREEDOM!
Whatever you do, ladies, do not pay attention to this.
In case you thought Mitt and Ann were running because Mitt likes titles (since he sorta quit on Massachusetts half way through when he didn’t get his way), Ann has news for you:
“We aren’t running to make our lives better. We’re running for you.”
Also, when Mitt sees a problem, he just fixes it for you, “He sees a problem, he goes out and fixes it.” And the problem he sees right now is you ladies having control over your body and demanding equal pay. Oh, and the birth control and the in vitro and the Planned Parenthoods.
Mr. Fix It is going to fix all of that mess right up, ladies. ‘Cuz nothing says we’ve come a long way baby like defunding Planned Parenthood as Mitt promised to do and making birth control illegal!
Though to be fair, Mitt was for it before he was against it and now he’s sorta for it again, though not really. But he did differentiate himself from his running mate by saying that he thinks women should be able to live if they get pregnant, so that’s a huge bonus for us ladies. But if he meant his support for the Personhood Amendment, then he secretly does not support us living. Tough to know, at this point, but hey, you people need to stop focusing on trivial things! Just trust him.
Wake up, already!