By: Hrafnkell HaraldssonApr. 20th, 2012more from Hrafnkell Haraldsson

Republicans are all about control of reproductive systems. They want the government to regulate the uterus, for example and they reserve the right to engage in state-sponsored rape to ensure nothing sneaky is going on outside the bounds of their voluminous legislative restrictions. The uterus must do this and only this and only at this time and not at that and nobody can touch it except us. We can put sperm in you; you cannot take it out; hell, you cannot even block it and if you get pregnant well that’s just your own fault even though we’re the ones who put the sperm inside you and told you that you could not deny it access to your reproductive system.

It’s all a fancy way of saying, “Me Tarzan, you Jane.” Men own women. Women are sexual objects there for the sexual gratification of men. Men might humor women by actually allowing them to vote (not that many of them acquiesced willingly), even to have jobs (again, not willingly), but in the end, a woman is best when she is barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen seeing to the man’s many needs. A mouth isn’t for talking “I’ll show her what that hole is for” and a vagina is a sort of food – “pie” – and a woman should “shut her pie hole” – another orifice designed apparently, not for expressing opinions for the entry of the penis. “Know your role,” they say, and we all know what they mean, don’t we? It’s no different than saying, “Assume the position.”

Jon Stewart aroused the ire of Catholic League president Bill Donohue the other day by coming up with a way for women to protect their vaginas. After mocking FOX News for attacking the phrase ”war on women” – an issue I addressed here yesterday from yet another conservative venue – Stewart brought up FOX News’ longstanding “war on Christmas” meme and arrived at a solution:

“What can women do to generate the same sense of outrage from Fox as” the alleged war on Christmas, Stewart asked. “Perhaps they could play into the theme. Maybe women could protect their reproductive organs from unwanted medical intrusions with vagina mangers.”

Bill Donohue, who doesn’t mind Catholics waging war on everyone else or make any apologies for past wars Catholics have waged on everyone else, or telling lies about a nonexistent war on Christmas, is outraged that Stewart should link mangers to vaginas. Donohue wants to boycott Stewart, who has refused to apologize.

I’d invite Donohue to go first. Every day the Catholic Church has more for which to apologize. Donohue, over the top as ever, claimed “What Jon Stewart did ranks with the most vulgar expression of hate speech ever aired on television. His incivility cannot go unanswered.”

I beg to differ. One has only to look at Christian-inspired and driven Republican legislation against women since 2010 to see many examples of hate speech far in excess of what he claims Stewart is guilty of, including especially examples from Donohue’s own denomination. And now the Pope is cracking down on dissidents – female dissidents – nuns of course – through the office of the Inquisition. And Donohue wants an apology? Get rid of the office of the Inquisition – in insult to all humanity, not only women – and we will talk.

Ironically, the Hilary Rosen fiasco has actually got Ann Romney to say the impossible, that “we all need to respect choices women make” – apparently, however, only Republican women. Stewart joked that Hilary Rosen got the Republican Party to say they are pro-choice. If only it were so. But as usual, it’s only and ever all about them and their choices. And Stewart has a point: they can claim a “war” on Christmas but we can’t point to a “war” on women?

Republicans say they don’t want their tax dollars to pay for contraception. They say women should put an aspirin between their legs and keep it there. Apparently there is meant to be a deterrent to rapists as well: “Oh no, Mr. Rapist, I‘m sorry, but my legislature has directed me to keep this aspirin between my knees.” Somehow, I don’t think that will deter a rapist and I don’t think reason, logic, science, or even an appeal to simple common decency will deter the GOP because like McCarthy, they have no decency.

It’s interesting, however, that though our tax dollars should not go toward contraception, they should go toward male erectile dysfunction. If the man can’t get it up, preventing him from shooting his sperm wherever he wants it with a complete lack of personal responsibility for where it lands, the taxpayers should fund him some magic pills so he can get a righteous woody, though how he intends to employ it if the women have aspirins between their knees, I don’t know. Because really, women should take men up on the aspirin thing and keep as aspirin there until men get their heads out of their asses. Honestly, ladies that may take awhile. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for the conservative members of my gender. But I somehow don’t think the world will be a worse place I a few fewer conservative jerk-offs (that is, after all, literally what they will be if you follow the aspirin advice) are born into it.

As some Democratic women have argued, if an egg is sacred so is a sperm and the male penis deserves to be as heavily regulated as the female uterus. We can’t be promiscuously spilling all that life. So if we’re going to defund contraception, let’s defund the penis as well. After all, if a woman can’t have contraception, why should a man have Viagra and what possible need can he have for it? The GOP’s purpose is clear, to reduce women to the sexual objects God meant them to be, but the rest of us have moved beyond Bronze Age thinking and some of us think women are pretty cool as genuine people and can be productive other than sexually. We like them as friends and coworkers, for a start, and as people we can shoot the shit with rather than shoot the sperm into.

You can’t legislate women back into the Stone Age. Women won’t permit it. Men won’t permit it. You can’t have your cake (penis) and eat it (pie) too.  In fact, you should stock up on pie because trips to the grocery store should soon be replacing trips to the bedroom. I would urge all women to close their legs when any conservative male approaches. Challenge him: is he willing to allow you to have contraception? If not, is he willing to have his sperm regulated? If no, then send him to the nearest grocery store. If he says yes, then there is some hope for him. My guess is there will be a Red State run on fresh-baked pies at Publix and other grocery chains. Tell them to eat their fill (or whatever other use they might have for the pie) until they see reason. Then drop by your local Starbucks or other coffee shop, find a liberal-minded male to chat up, because we like to hear what words might come out of your mouth rather than focusing on putting our penises in it to shut you up.