By: Sarah JonesSep. 4th, 2012more from Sarah Jones

If you thought the empty chair ranting was the jump the shark moment of the RNC, you need to expand the area wherein you keep track of Republican stupidity. I see your empty chair and raise you a hot poker on Obama’s “butt” and bashing philanthropic charitable giving (the very thing Republicans use as a reason why they can hoard all of your tax money for their rich friends because the “private sector” will take care of You People through charity).

Apparently a Bloomberg reporter was invited by a guest to a Karl Rove SuperPAC breakfast on the last day of the convention, but according to the reporter Sheelah Kolhatkar, no one asked any questions or gave any restrictions regarding what could be reported from the breakfast.

However, Rove’s SuperPAC American Crossroads now claims otherwise, though they won’t comment further. Here’s why – first, Republican Harley Barbour, the 63rd Governor of Mississippi, from 2004 to 2012, said he was dreaming of Chris Christie putting a hot poker to Obama’s butt.

Business Week reports:

Barbour offered a brief assessment of the Republican National Convention. “While I would love for [Chris] Christie to put a hot poker to Obama’s butt,” said Barbour of the RNC keynote speaker, “I thought he did what he was supposed to do.”

Will someone please send Haley the studies on homophobia being a symptom of sexual attraction to one’s same gender? Poor thing. All this hot poker butt talk got Haley so het up he almost forgot about his Katrina profiteering. We can’t have that. Bloomberg reported:

When Haley Barbour was sworn in as governor of Mississippi in 2004, he set up a blind trust to avoid conflicts of interest and said he had severed ties with the Washington lobbying firm he co-founded.
The blind trust document he signed about six weeks later says that on Jan. 13, 2004, the day he took office, Barbour still had a stake worth $786,666 in the publicly traded parent company of Barbour Griffith & Rogers Inc., as well as pension and profit-sharing plan benefits from the lobby firm.
A copy of the notarized trust agreement, obtained from an individual who requested anonymity, says Barbour receives $25,000 per month, or $300,000 a year, from it. He lists the trust in his annual Mississippi ethics filing as his only source of income outside his $122,160 salary as governor.

That firm lobbied for contracts on behalf of at least four different clients to rebuild in the aftermath of Katrina, but Haley assures us there is no conflict of interest ‘cuz of the Romneyesque blindness of the not so blind trust. Hot pokers and butts! Heh.

Then we got this rage against charity:

An exception to Rove’s Senate optimism is Maine. Retiring Republican Senator Olympia Snowe is “still sitting on $3 million in hard money,” Rove said. “She’s going to use the money, her husband told me, for charitable and philanthropic efforts.” He looked around the room. “So if any of you gave her money, I would call and ask for your money back. If you do, give it to Charlie Summers, our Republican candidate.”

Yes, get your money back if it might go to charity or philanthropic missions because nothing says Republican like hot poker butt dreams and contempt of charitable giving to those in need.

The party of “Christianity” and “family values” dreams about Chris Christie putting a hot poker on Obama’s butt and punishing those who dare to give money to charity, because it’s all so S & M, 50 shades of trickle down master slave.

Dare I point out that the odds of Chris Christie being able to achieve Haley’s dream are slim to none, after all, the President is in peak physical shape and no doubt that hot poker would find itself hoisted on its own petard, as would Haley Barbour — proving for Haley that sometimes dreams really do come true.

No matter how desperate they get to punish the President for his brilliance and charm, the only people being damaged by an R brand here are the sad, lost Republican boys wallowing in their policy impotency, lashing out with violent fantasies like micro-brain, subliterate, knuckle draggers must. The irony here is that Republicans whine endlessly about the liberal elite Latte sippers ruining America with their Liberal Limos, and yet Republicans spend all of their time creating policies to benefit the elite, while deliberately wrapping their policies in the dumbed-down visage of how they imagine their base.

It is likely that the Republican base deserves more credit than they get from the Republican Party, for I can’t imagine that they are all satisfied with homoerotic dreams of hot pokers. But then, I’ve overestimated them before.