Phew. Another Palin Speech Survived by the American People. I was worried for a minute. Or, rather, I was worried for the many minutes during which the American people were assaulted with the code-phrase barbed, atonal speechiness of the Queen of Poutrage. She quit, you know. Or, as she explained, she is avoiding the “lame duckness” of lame duckiness by not governing and instead, traveling around the state doing photo ops to save Alaskans money.
Except, the sudden, erratic early departure of God’s Chosen One is costing the state of Alaska a pretty penny.
But what’s a few hundred thousand dollars to avert the Constitutional Crisis brought on by the sudden fiscal responsibility of a Lame Duck Governor when she’s saving the state “millions” by stepping down early, so they won’t have to fight the many ethics charges brought against her by “political operative”, aka, citizens of Alaska?
Er, well…her claim of “millions” has been debunked. Turns out, the most expensive and “frivolous” suit was actually the one she filed against herself. And, the remaining ethics charges still have to be investigated. Yeah, and the really, super bad news is that Palin may not have ethical access to her Alaska Trust Fund; aka, her stated “legal defense fund” which was set up legally as fund for her to spend on anything she chooses and not have to claim the money as taxable gifts! Nifty trick that!! See, libruls, it pays to have God on your side.
But now she’s gone. You, evil media and pajama bloggers, won’t have Palin to kick around anymore! In her official capacity as first governor ever to quit for no reason (the reasons are “obvious” ya’ know), Palin delivered an aborted-term speech dangerously full of verbal diarrhea. Did ya’ miss her “Farewell Alaska, I’m leavin’ Ya Because I love ya’ Speech”? Here’s a taste, directed at the “media”:
“How about, in honor of the American soldier, you quit makin’ things up?”
Yeah! Take that, stupid librul media!
We also have our shout-out to the troops for defending Palin’s right to bash the media, we have Palin’s poutrage at the Hollywood “tiny” actresses who are ruining the 2nd Amendment (“and by the way, Hollywood needs to know, we eat, therefore we hunt.”), we have a nostalgic nod to the Palin Hate Rallies as she speaks about those “Hell bent maybe on tearing down our nation…and suggesting American apologetics…”! Also, too, a nice nod to the Talibangelists, Palin. ‘Cuz while some of the liberal elite don’t get it, sweetie, I do. Apologetics is code for “God is on My side”. Wink, wink. You betcha! And we even have a moment where she talks about someone other than herself. Oh, say it ain’t so, Joe! Yes, the Chosen One uses her speech for good, as she urges the evil media to leave replacement Governor Sean Parnell’s kids alone!
“Leave Britney Alone!” Oh, oops, I did it again. Wrong story. Still, high tabloid drama! Love me some Palin Self-Pity.
And what’s not to pity? Turns out, logorrhea is a serious disease.
“Logorrhea is defined as an “excessive flow of words” and, when used medically, refers to incoherent talkativeness occurring in certain kinds of mental illness, such as mania. Logomania is the medical condition and mania with the underlying symptom logorrhoea. The spoken form of logorrhoea (in the non-medical sense) is a kind of verbosity which uses superfluous (or fancy) words to disguise an otherwise useless message as useful or intellectual, and is commonly known as “verbal diarrhea” or “diarrhea of the mouth”.”
So while the God-hatin’, Palin-fearin’ libruls are busy pickin’ on the hockey mam for her folksiness, some of us get it. We aren’t afraid to delve into the depths of despair that is a Palin speech and reach out to the Quitter. We recognize desperation and disease when we see it, and being the science-believing, subpoena-responding citizens that we are, we care. And it turns out, sometimes God even takes our calls. My calls.
Yes, I called and God answered. I should be clear here, and disclose that God specifically told me I was NOT the Chosen One, and in spite of my deep disappointment, I soldiered on out of concern for Palin and this great nation. And the troops. And the amendments. All of ’em, there, that have been put in front of me. Nonetheless, I, too (also), am going to open a Sarah Trust Fund; the pay pal link will be forthcoming. Bless you in advance and all of that. Anyhoo, having spoken with God personally regarding Palin’s logorrhea, I can assure Palin that God wants her to seek immediate help.
Here’s where God kinda lost me. God said the best place for her to get said help would be McCain’s ranch in Arizona. After all, God pointed out when I questioned this suggestion, the Senator who specializes in a mavericky blend Honor and Ethics was quite adroit at helping his wife recover from her pain killer addiction, so God is sure that John is That One. The One who can help the Chosen One. God does want to make sure, though, that McCain understands “Country First”. In other words, God really, really wants McCain to keep Palin away from elected office and politics and indeed, the poor, suffering fish. Aw, heck, God wants the entire planet of living beings protected from Palinized Loghorrea. I gotta admit, I’m comin’ around to God’s way of thinking here.
Can you make that happen, John? Ya’ kind of owe us, ya’ know? Think of it as a quarantine of sorts. After all, the unchecked progressing of Palin’s verbal disease is concerning…
And you thought all you had to worry about was the Swine Flu-Infested Pork, the Republican Health Care Plan (just die!) and Sotomayor’s Racism. Phew. Busy days, these.
P.S. Thanks to The Mudflats, where AKM bravely transcribed the entire speech for the safety and benefit of all Americans:
Ms. Jones is the co-founder/ editor-in-chief of PoliticusUSA and a member of the White House press pool.
Sarah hosts Politicus News and co-hosts Politicus Radio. Her analysis has been featured on several national radio, television news programs and talk shows, and print outlets including Stateside with David Shuster, as well as The Washington Post, The Atlantic Wire, CNN, MSNBC, The Week, The Hollywood Reporter, and more.
Sarah is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists.