Republican Party

God Might “Tap” Bachmann for President

Last updated on April 2nd, 2010 at 06:02 pm

Just because Michele has Crazy Eyes, doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love her. Not only does God love Bachmann, but God speaks directly to her. Opens doors for her. Anoints her, even. And now He wants her to run for President. Take that, you anti-American liberals!

When Bachmann isn’t busy exposing Obama’s FEMA camps, stopping the formulation of a global currency thereby saving our country from being “no more”, warning us against Obama re-education camps that her son Harrison has joined in what can only be described as an act of sanity cum rebellion, or hiding in the bushes during a gay rights rally, she’s educating us about carbon dioxide: “There isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas!”

But yesterday, God must have really been whispering in Bachmann’s ear, because she’s hinting that if God calls her, by George, she’s gonna do his biddin’ and run. For President.

“In an interview with World Net Daily, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) was asked whether she would ever run for President — and she replied that she would do it if God calls her to it.”—-if-god-calls-me-to-do-it.php

Now, in case you’re feeling all losery because God has never called you, let alone tapped you like he did Palin, let me say that that just means you’re unworthy of living. No reason to be upset. In fact, you clearly wouldn’t have to work for a living if God loved you. So, you can see how this whole thing is your fault.

It’s sort of like how they determined innocence in Mediaevil England (I’m noticing a theme with the GOPPERS; I deeply suspect they regret the Revolutionary War): We tie your fingers to your toes and drown you. If you sink, you’re innocent. If you float, you’re guilty. In this case, if you’re not rich and powerful, it’s because you don’t believe in the right God. See Sanford for more on Being Chosen.

Remember that Bachmann is a part of the Holy Warriors, the Third Wave Dominionists who want to break down the wall separating church and state, so when she talks God, she’s talkin’ the Only Real Deal. And when you’re talkin’ running for the Presidency of a democracy based on separation of church and state, what better endorsement could you have than God’s callin’?

I admit that I’m confused, ‘cuz I thought God had called Sarah Palin for that job. Perhaps God can’t make up his mind? Or maybe God was turned off by Palin’s Death Panel Lie (only God runs Death Panels!) and being a Machiavellian, is using Bachmann to punish Palin?

Yikes! Bachmann better look out; the Palin Cult aren’t gonna dig this at all! There is only one Queen Ester. Besides, if Bachmann were serious, she woulda quit her job like any serious Presidential nominee and started issuing ghost-written jabs at the President from her Facebook account, like all good Prom Queens. Stalking the synthetic cowboy is not enough crazy cred for a conservative in 2012, Michele. Get all mavericky girl! Stalk Obama!

I’m thinking God better make up his mind soon, because anyway you look at this, a fight between these two Holy Warriors could get ugly really fast. Which one is the Real ‘Merkun? Who does God love the most?

I feel I need to warn everyone that if Palin comes in second again, she’s gonna find that red button and then we’re all gonna pay for her stupidity. It’s just the conservative way. So, can we put her first? Remember Trooper Wooten, Dave Letterman, and Grphyen! You mess with Sarahcuda and you will be hunted down mercilessly, your blood called for, and her cult won’t rest until you are strung up in the town hall for all to see! If that doesn’t work, Sarah will call the Department of Law on you. Tsk tsk!

Maybe in the interest of national security, they should run together:

Bachmann/Palin 2012
‘Cuz Policies Don’t Matter!

Sarah Jones

Listen to Sarah on the PoliticusUSA Pod on The Daily newsletter podcast here. Sarah has been credentialed to cover President Barack Obama, then VP Joe Biden, 2016 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, and exclusively interviewed Speaker Nancy Pelosi multiple times and exclusively covered her first home appearance after the first impeachment of then President Donald Trump. Sarah is two-time Telly award winning video producer and a member of the Society of Professional Journalists. Connect with Sarah on Post,  Mastodon @PoliticusSarah@Journa.Host, & Twitter.

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