Putting the Republican Messiah on Full Display in Sarah Palin’s Alaska

Jesus II is here and he's wearing a wig!
Jesus II is here and he's wearing a wig!

Follow Me There!

If ever you wondered if Sarah Palin was indeed the next coming of Christ, her reality TV show, hagiographically titled “Sarah Palin’s Alaska”, proves that not only does Palin own Alaska, but that she is your next Messiah. Special props for the brilliant Jesus propaganda where Palin is backlit angelically with her arms up to the Heavens and music by Christian rock band Third Day calls, “Follow me there!” over and over and over again.

This was your introduction to politics as reality TV show propaganda and I must say that while I was intermittently distressed by Palin’s mean girl, I thought she sure showed those liberal elites a thing or two because while she might have quit her job as governor, she sure didn’t quit that rock. Also, I’ve never seen a more charming and sexual version of rock climbing in all my days and to think I used to climb rocks but never did I ask for help from the mens so beguilingly or dangle with a camera shooting right up my bottom just in case the males in the audience missed the reference.

Karl Rove, I think you have a problem. Your girl isn’t standing down and I can’t imagine that you would look so good dangling from a harness over rocks, Karl. And ain’t it all about the hotness of your bottom? I mean, isn’t that what you’ve been selling us up until now?

And after all, what says President more than rock climbing? I mean, aren’t rocks the ultimate metaphor for real world challenges like mean bloggers and nasty authors and cruel, insecure journalists who dare to ask candidates what they read while the pretty dangles just out of your reach with her winks and her cries for help?

Sure, Palin may have failed in real life but in this glossy rendition of her myth, Palin is the superhero second coming, full of life and surprises—most especially did our Politicos love how instead of Jesus II coming from a manger, this one comes full grown and from the hilltops of the “portal” of Alaska, which is where all of the saved will be beamed up to Heaven after Palin takes office and End Days commence. This will only happen after the older white males of the GOP have a collective orgasm watching Palin parade around for the next two years, each month the hint of skin growing more bold, enticing them on to the ballot box. Do it, daddy! Vote for Jesus.

Speaking of when Palin takes office, I want to prepare my hungry Palin fans for the fact that Palin will not actually reside in stuffy DC. No, sirree. DC is too much for our frontier gal. Recall, will you, how she redecorated and rehabbed the governor’s mansion to such great cost, even installing a tanning bed (to generate that faux outdoorsy glow) only to ditch it and charge the tax payers to live and eat at home, in Wasilla, which is the only Real America we have.

You would know this if you had taken a trip down big box lane and seen the Wal-Mart that so Americanly replaced mom and pop stores in Wasilla. So, unless you want Palin to install a Wal-Mart within snow machine distance to the White House, get ready to pony up for her real residence after you “Follow Her” to Alaska.

You didn’t think she was going to use all of that Sarah PAC money for stuffy old politics, did you? A girl has to live, people. And while you may be dismayed to think of how Palin will kill any remaining science funding we might have in this country of Orwellian exceptionalism wherein intellectual merit is a bad thing, ponder how only Palin could truly inspire the creation of a faster private jet to whisk her from her White House in Wasilla to various parties around the world and tell me you don’t see a positive for science!

It must amuse the Grizzly Mama when the high brow elite smugly announce that Palin might be a hit with the Teabaggers but she couldn’t debate any of the Republican candidates out of a paperbag. Boys, you aren’t paying attention. She isn’t going to debate anyone. She doesn’t have to. Would Jesus deign to debate Mitt Romney? I think not.

Jesus would take to Facebook to make pronouncements from on high. Jesus would attack via Twitter. Jesus would never debate. The gods do not debate mortals and they don’t answer questions from the mealy mouthed press, no matter how hard said mealy mouthed press massages the relentless myth of Herself. It’s not good enough, and why should it be? Would Jesus allow the Wall Street Journal to correct him? I think not.

Yes, my fellow Americans, country music has met wild frontier gal and created Jesus II, who you will happily vote for when the mind conditioning is complete. Gone are the days of “issues” and “policies” and other boring legal governing elite type talk. Why bother with all of that when the world is ending? Just sit back and enjoy following Sister Sarah to End Times. She’s your messiah. You know you want it.

“Sarah Palin’s Alaska” is political porn for the evangelical crowd. Palin even does y’all the courtesy of minding her language which tends toward the vulgar, but with the added heady appeal to those who love to watch blood spill from animals and find inter-family hostility charming because nothing says the Prince of Peace like a shot gun aimed at a defenseless animal or a fish with his head cut off, blood oozing over the wound as the proud First Daughter sells abstinence from behind the gore.

I was only surprised she failed to wrap herself in a flag naked as she stood backlit over the cloudy End Times sky. There’s always next week.

Though to be fair, Palin gives her viewers what they really want by sashaying around in “runners” shorts for much of the time, even when all of the males are in long pants. This little quirk is apparently genetic, as daughter Willow follows suit in an enticing pair of jean cut-offs. The sort my mother would never have allowed me to wear in public, let alone on TV. But then my mother is one of those wanton liberal types. Not a good little Christian like Palin.

Follow Me, Karl. Follow me there. Let me take you to a place you never dreamed of, where little girls in short shorts outwit you and run for your party’s nomination as the Second Coming. Or perhaps the GOP’s first coming, if you know what I mean.

23 Replies to “Putting the Republican Messiah on Full Display in Sarah Palin’s Alaska”

  1. OUCH….what a brilliant post Sarah!

    Poor Karl…he really “misunderestimated” the ole girl. HeHe. This is about to get good. Need more popcorn!!!

  2. So true…So true. The strangest part? She believes that this is all true.
    A higher calling….she said as she quit. She believes she is the “chosen one”. Really….she does. Shiver

  3. She may not have been wrapped in the flag, but she was (as always) wearing a cross and a flag pin.
    Wow…speaks volumes, doesn’t it?

  4. Remember “all that glitters isn’t gold”. If it shines remember it is wrapped in bullshit. That in the end is what happens when Sarah is involved. What you see is what you get FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.

  5. Right on for the right on!!! That Palin creature is grifter that has the ability to make fools out of those GOP idiots at her whim. It is truly pitiful that they can be such suckers for her BS.

  6. Just like Sinclair warned. It was Sinclair, right? Whoever. “When Fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a bible.” Check. Who’s going to stop the grifter from ruining this country? Not the GOP. Flipping Rove is a whipping boy for Snowbilly.

  7. Sarah did you catch where Tawd called her “juicy”? omg, that was a throw up moment!
    The whole thing was actually from brat Piper germing up the cupcakes to Willow sashaying around in short daisy dukes!
    Oh and that moment, “I have to do this, I can’t QUIT in Front of people”! OMFG, that was classic, did she forget that she Quit on the whole flippin’ state of Alaska???
    Who’s she tryin’ to kid?
    The whole show was putrid! Fake. A ginormous infomercial. One thing I did love about it :D
    She didn’t stop bein’ a mean girl. To Tawd who caught a fish ” Well tawd caught A FISH bringin’ home the bacon, that’s how it SHOULD BE”! Ouch, I think Toad’s voice just went a octave higher. And her non-stop Harpyness about her “Neighbor” omg, I just hope Joe sues the shit out of her and TLC! No she kept her mean-girl….and that is so Very Valley trash & NO PRESIDENTIAL at all!

  8. “Juciy”? Palin? What’s Todd smoking?
    I refused to watch this travesty but then I am also turned off by shows like “pregnant and didn’t know it” which shares Palin’s lineup. Tee hee. I think she’s right where she belongs now.

  9. Nothing makes me laugh harder than these impotent oldsers sucking after Palin’s blue ball routine and causing nothing but chaos and destruction to the Grand Old Party and now Rove getting kicked in the face by a hillbilly grifter. She’s a liberal dream come true. Destroying the GOP one smug, de-balled man at a time.

  10. I cant wait for the Playboy layout! Just prior to the November elections in 2012!

    There is one piece of good news. huckabee has joined the tea bags. He can give her answers at the debates!

  11. But is she even going to debate? I thought that was for elites. Man oh man, Huckster is moving in on the Grifter. Tings gonna get ugly now.

  12. Terrific post, Sarah. I don’t trust any of the GOP or TeaParty so can’t help but wonder if the Rove and Palin “war” is real? It’s hard to imagine that Palin can actually outsmart Karl Rove. Of course, I know Palin has powerful people backing her but I’m still wondering if the “war” isn’t just to convince people that she’s anti-GOP, anti-DC.

    Who owns the damn Oxford American English Dictionary? How can this stuff be happening? Just make up stupid words, it’s not only accepted but she gets all sorts of attention for it and the stamp of approval from OAED. I didn’t watch her stupid TLC show and won’t watch it. She makes me sick.

  13. I liked Lisa Murkowski’s take on Palin’s new gospel hour. She said she has no plans to watch it and that “I know what my Alaska looks like.”

  14. Of course you’re right to be so suspicious. The only thing that tells me that this is real is that Palin can not win a general election and Rove knows this. Palin does not.

    Of course Rove is also a college drop out with a cut throat instinct for politics, and a thug- so it wouldn’t be surprising if these two are more matched than they may appear. Rove is only old school Republican given the Tea Party, but when Bush was in office, the congressional Republicans hated Rove’s guts because he was so uncouth and vulgar and didn’t know how to play the game their way.

    I agree with you re Palin’s strategy, but I don’t think the boys want Palin since they can’t control her. The thing with someone like Bush was that they could control him because Bush was brought up around the elite and in politics. He understood how things worked (well, ok, he had a sense of it). The boys thought Palin was their Bush III, but instead, she turned out to be a nightmare. They didn’t see the Nixon in her until it was too late.

  15. That woman is taking on a glow of reasonableness courtesy of Palin and Miller. We all know she’s a neo-con, but at least she’s not dangerously crazy to humans as well as the environment, animals, etc. Of course we can’t live without …. see, this is the problem:-) But I do agree; SP’s Alaska is not one any sane person will ever see, sine she broke all kinds of important rules about fishing safety around bears, etc.

    I don’t think we can really trust her take on much. Any parent (and I include Todd in this) who would endanger their wanted child like they did during her “wild ride” is not well.

  16. That moment was a new low but I am so not surprised imagining where this nickname came from, knowing Palin. My bet is that the Queen of nouveau-riche logo cred (we do recall Palin’s affinity for logos as Governor- she was a walking billboard at public events) wears Juicy Couture yoga pants with the word “Juicy” splashed across her bottom, but for a special Christian touch, I’m betting she cuts the pant legs off and wears them as cut offs, the “Juicy” appearing even that much larger sans legs.

    Just a guess:-) Now, can you say “Classy” while wearing a pair of cut-off Juicy Couture yoga pants, slurping on a White Mocha from Starbucks, texting on your Blackberry behind tinted windows in a black Escalade and flipping the bird to the paparrazzi?

    Britney Spears or Sarah Palin?

    Now for the real question: Is there a difference?

  17. You are so right; Playboy is the Last Frontier for Presidential candidates! The “Christian” version, of course, with her pantyhose on and a big cross that hides the particulars, and maybe some flag striped short shorts. This will be the Carrie Prejean nomination process for GOP candidate. Oh, wait, she already did that for Runner’s World, though she did have a top on, so it’s not quite the same. There’s still room to step up that game!

    I want to know what happened to the Christian religion….

  18. don’t worry, I doubt that Todd has seen her with her top off too

    I don’t want to know what happened to the Christian religion, I just want all religions to go away and allow people to live free of the burden of guilt

  19. This show is nothing but blatant self-promotion in order to bolster the fake image of her as mother of the year. Unfortunately, some of the same people who fell for the nonsense of GW being someone they’d like to have a beer with will be sucked in by this phoniness. You’d think people would learn not to fall for the okey doke when it comes to something as serious as voting for a president or any other official.

  20. How ironic that $P is the new savior – yet she hasn’t been to church in over 6 months. Why doesn’t anyone report about this interesting tidbit ? Not only have neither Todd nor $P stepped foot into their hometown church since March, but the kids haven’t been inside the church for years. Not even for Easter !No mention by anyone. Where are the reporters ?

  21. They are busy showing “deference” to her Holy Self, Henry, as is their job in protecting Palin’s first amendment rights for the troops. This truth we know to be self evident, that all candidates are not created equally.

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