5 New Year’s Resolutions for Republicans

New Year's Resolutions

We all seem to make New Year’s resolutions, so here are a few recommended resolutions for our Republican friends:

Cry Less!

We liberals are supposed to be the bleeding hearts–the crying, whiny ones–and you conservatives are supposed to be hardened pragmatists who are tough on everything from crime to government freeloaders to dealing with terra-ists. Actually, you’re supposed to be tough on everyone but millionaires and billionaires.

Then why is it that every time I turn on the television, you’re crying about one thing or another? Either it’s John Boehner crying because he’s impressed with himself for becoming Speaker of the House, or it’s New Gingrich crying at the thought of his late mother.

There’s nothing wrong with sentimentality, but crying is for liberals.

Less Gay Sex!

Personally, I don’t care who you have sex with, even if you’re married; however, if you’re obsessed with “traditional family values,” marriage being defined as being between a man and woman in the Constitution, and fighting against the right for gay Americans to have the same rights as the rest of us, then you probably shouldn’t have gay affairs.

It makes you look bad.

According to the LGBTQ Web site, if there’s a gay sex scandal involving a politician, then there’s a two in three chance that it will involve a Republican.

Be Careful of What You Say!

If you’re serious about becoming President, then you need to be very cognizant of what you say long before you’re a household name in Ames, Iowa.

For instance, if you write a book and someday want to be elected by the general population (not just the extreme conservatives of the world), don’t blame AIDS victims for their disease. and don’t recommend that people being sexually harassed at work share some responsibility for the problem when they don’t quit their jobs after being harassed, which is what Ron Paul said in his earlier book (according to CNN).

If those who are sexually harassed left their jobs, wouldn’t that create a job crisis for Godfather’s Pizza joints all across the country?

Be Careful of What You Do!

I know we’re talking about politics, but what you do is sometimes still more important than what you say.

For instance, if you’re trying to pretend that you’re a diehard Republican so that you can win a primary fight against other diehard Republicans, you probably shouldn’t have implemented a state-run healthcare system that mirrors the one that is being attacked by the group from whom you’re trying to get votes. This is especially true when you implemented the plan when you were governor of a liberal state and have since spent month after month after month attacking your own program–sort of–at least on some days.

You’ll soon look like someone who will say anything to get elected, and ambition without principle is not an endearing (or electable) quality.

In other words, you’ll look like Mitt Romney.

Reduce Budget for Spray-On Tanning/Tanning Salons

We’ve all got to cut back during these difficult times–even you John Boehner.

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10 Replies to “5 New Year’s Resolutions for Republicans”

  1. I think another good resolution is to decide that on the day you are born have your parents put a notice in the paper in case there are questions about your citizenship. On that very wonderful fateful day that you are born you should have the common sense that Barack Obama had when he told his parents to do that very same thing. Simply because he knew he would be running for president.

    Another thing is that you should resolve to go to new Gingrich blaming classes. Newt Gingrich blames everything on someone else and I think that this would be a great idea if we can see all of the candidates up there at once clacking away like Achmed the dead terrorist blaming someone else. Clack Clack Clack.

  2. get a clue? It’s not that hard to do? Oh I get it you stumbled into what you thought was a songwriting website.

    I think Aerosmith would be great for this one in the background

  3. 5 Republican Resolutions:

    1. Beat Obama.

    2. Beat Obama at all costs.

    3. Beat Obama even if it means doing nothing for all of 2011.

    4. Beat Obama because that’s what our corporate masters tell us to do.

    5. Beat Obama…especially if it means getting a chance to stick it to citizens who are poor and minorities.

  4. Brain dead conservative zombies can’t say amen. I have one resolution-laugh like hell when the previously written resolutions all fail.

  5. We’ve Seen with eyes Wide Open That The Conseratives Are Up To …Remember it Ppl, All The way To The voting booth…

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