5 New Year’s Resolutions for Republicans

We all seem to make New Year’s resolutions, so here are a few recommended resolutions for our Republican friends:

Cry Less!

We liberals are supposed to be the bleeding hearts–the crying, whiny ones–and you conservatives are supposed to be hardened pragmatists who are tough on everything from crime to government freeloaders to dealing with terra-ists. Actually, you’re supposed to be tough on everyone but millionaires and billionaires.

Then why is it that every time I turn on the television, you’re crying about one thing or another? Either it’s John Boehner crying because he’s impressed with himself for becoming Speaker of the House, or it’s New Gingrich crying at the thought of his late mother.

There’s nothing wrong with sentimentality, but crying is for liberals.

Less Gay Sex!

Personally, I don’t care who you have sex with, even if you’re married; however, if you’re obsessed with “traditional family values,” marriage being defined as being between a man and woman in the Constitution, and fighting against the right for gay Americans to have the same rights as the rest of us, then you probably shouldn’t have gay affairs.

It makes you look bad.

According to the LGBTQ Web site, if there’s a gay sex scandal involving a politician, then there’s a two in three chance that it will involve a Republican.

Be Careful of What You Say!

If you’re serious about becoming President, then you need to be very cognizant of what you say long before you’re a household name in Ames, Iowa.

For instance, if you write a book and someday want to be elected by the general population (not just the extreme conservatives of the world), don’t blame AIDS victims for their disease. and don’t recommend that people being sexually harassed at work share some responsibility for the problem when they don’t quit their jobs after being harassed, which is what Ron Paul said in his earlier book (according to CNN).

If those who are sexually harassed left their jobs, wouldn’t that create a job crisis for Godfather’s Pizza joints all across the country?

Be Careful of What You Do!

I know we’re talking about politics, but what you do is sometimes still more important than what you say.

For instance, if you’re trying to pretend that you’re a diehard Republican so that you can win a primary fight against other diehard Republicans, you probably shouldn’t have implemented a state-run healthcare system that mirrors the one that is being attacked by the group from whom you’re trying to get votes. This is especially true when you implemented the plan when you were governor of a liberal state and have since spent month after month after month attacking your own program–sort of–at least on some days.

You’ll soon look like someone who will say anything to get elected, and ambition without principle is not an endearing (or electable) quality.

In other words, you’ll look like Mitt Romney.

Reduce Budget for Spray-On Tanning/Tanning Salons

We’ve all got to cut back during these difficult times–even you John Boehner.

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Paul Yeager

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