Conservatism Looks More Like an Online MMORPG Every Day

Last updated on June 3rd, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Just recently we watched with horror and then glee as the Heartland Institute accused environmentalists of being terrorists like the Unabomber and promptly lost nineteen major donors and a million dollars in funding. Sure, it didn’t ruin them all at once but nearly so: in order to hold their annual rejection of reality conference in Chicago the group had to openly sell out to big coal and oil, as the Guardian reports: “The main Illinois coal lobby is a last-minute sponsor of this week’s conference, undermining Heartland’s claims to operate independently of fossil fuel interests.” And it was worse than that:

Its entire Washington DC office, barring one staffer, decamped, taking Heartland’s biggest project, involving the insurance industry, with them.

Board directors quit, conference speakers cancelled at short-notice, and associates of long standing demanded Heartland remove their names from its website. The list of conference sponsors shrank by nearly half from 2010, and many of those listed sponsors are just websites operating on the rightwing fringe.

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Ouch. Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving group. Honestly, it’s a wonder this isn’t happening to every conservative think-tank and lobbyist group that has showed its true colors. Still, it’s nice to know that liberals and progressives can make their displeasure felt just as it is nice to see outfits like JC Penny double-down on their support of equal rights by using a gay couple for a Father’s Day ad (you can imagine what less-than-OneMillionMoms thinks about that!).

It makes you realize there really is hope for sanity in this insane world – and I do mean insane – I mean are we really to believe that Obama wants people to move closer to the cities so he can keep an eye on them? Really? That’s as good as it gets at FOX News, folks. If it’s not illegal immigrants with explosives stuffed up their asses crossing our borders it’s gotta be something like this…you know it as well as I do.

Don’t we have some real problems to talk about without inventing new ones? Life shouldn’t be like a non-stop Monty Python skit. That stuff is funny but you don’t want to live it.

Brian Fischer is another guy who refuses to come down to earth and join the rest of us in the world of reality. His response to the news that courts have ruled DOMA to be unconstitutional was to post a column on Friday, as Right Wing Watch puts it, “arguing for a new campaign to ‘reclaim the ‘D’ word’—discrimination—and saying that government should discriminate against gays and lesbians to stop them from ‘destroying themselves through non-normative sexual behavior.’”

So if it’s unconstitutional, we should do it more than ever? Fischer’s thinking is, as it is the best of times, a bit tepid:

We discriminate against adults, even priests, who have sex with children. We discriminate against teachers who have affairs with students. We discriminate against teachers who moonlight in the porn industry. We discriminate against students who engage in sexting. We discriminate against rapists. We discriminate against those who expose sexual partners unknowingly to the AIDS virus. We discriminate against those adults who commit statutory rape against minors. We discriminate against homosexuals and prostitutes by refusing to allow them to give blood.

The point is this: we discriminate against sexually immoral and inappropriate behavior all the time, and homosexual behavior is sexually immoral and inappropriate.

As the president of the American Family Association, Tim Wildmon, has often said, homosexual behavior is “immoral, unnatural and unhealthy.” It is contrary to “the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God,” as the Founders would have put it. It puts the human body to sexual uses which are utterly contrary to the way in which the human body is designed. And it is accompanied by a raft of pathologies, including HIV/AIDS and a host of other debilitating sexually transmitted diseases. It shortens the lifespan of those who engage in it by as much as 30 years.

Obviously, since thousands of species of animals exhibit gay behavior, being gay is not a violation of the laws of nature unless you want to believe in gay demons, whose existence cannot be proven; and as for the rest of Fischer’s tirade it has (besides sounding like a replay of Nazi accusations against “filthy” Jews) been disproven time and again by actual medical scientists and physicians.

Fischer’s response to the current state of global warming denialism is nearly identical: environmentalism is a religion and environmentalists are apparently cultists who worship recycling bins. “How exactly is environmentalism a religion?” asked Right Wing Watch. Thursday on his radio program Fischer had Cal Beisner explain all this to his gullible listeners:

Well, as Beisner explained, it has its own doctrines, its own holy day (Earth Day,) its own food taboos, sacrifice rituals (recycling,) paradoxical beliefs, sacred structures (recycling bins,) and it proselytizes.  And, as Fischer added, just like with the early church, heretics (i.e. global warming deniers like Fischer and Beisner) are punished and excommunicated.

Listen via Right Wing Watch:

Now look, I admit I’m hopelessly addicted to reality. I love speculative fiction but I like it most of all because it IS fiction. It’s a nice temporary escape from real-world lunacy. But you can’t start believing this crap is real, that we live in some sort of world where Obama is gathering us all together in cities so he can spy on us while we’re forced to worship in front of recycling bins while being simultaneously sodomized and trained to be terrorists by environmentalists wearing gay t-shirts from Target (yeah, Peter LaBarbera is pretty incensed about that, you betcha, and so is Janet Porter).

It makes you wonder if these people have any real problems other than mental. Makes wonder too if they masturbate while thinking about this stuff. I know, it’s early in the morning and you probably want to have breakfast and don’t want these images in your mind any more than I do, but you do have to wonder. I mean, what other group of people put this much thought into bestiality, for example? I can go literally months without giving it a thought, probably years if I didn’t keep getting reminded by people obsessed by it.

So as you go into the weekend, renew your ties to reality: Touch things (but not yourself!), look at things (but not sheep!), breathe the free but polluted air and drink the fracking fracked-up water and as you sacrifice at your recycling altar watch the lemmings flock to their mega churches to renew their ties to their fantasy world – a world that looks more and more like an Online MMORPG – massively multiplayer online role playing game – (I mean, you can put gays in death camps, or slay gay demons, right? Or indulge sick fantasies of the government doing it for you)  and less like the earth the rest of us live on every day.

It’s all good: I just wish we could get them to understand that we don’t want to play “Indulge Your Sick Inner Fantasy” with them.

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