It’s America’s first ever “Gun Appreciation Day” brought to you by the gun lobby, so all you parents out there need to run out and get your 4 year old the NRA’s new “game” and hope your kids don’t succumb to the evils of violent videos that are to blame for gun violence in this country (according to same NRA). The NRA doesn’t do irony.
In the meantime, I’ve gotten orders from Czar Obama to round up right wingers who post false gun memes on the Interwebs, and since I don’t want to end up in one of Bachmann’s FEMA camps, I’m complying.
1) No, baseball bats don’t kill more people than guns. No, the FBI did not say that. Yes, if it sounds too wacky to be true and it’s being sent to you via email in all caps by someone who never responds when you fact check them, you would be wise to report them to Central for proper processing in the “Should not be allowed to have a gun” category. Too dumb to fact-check? Too dumb to own a gun.
2) Adolf Hilter came after guns! Hilter (just equating the name Hitler with something you do not like does not automatically win the argument) said “To conquer a nation, you must first disarm its citizens.” NO, he did not say this. Hitler loosened gun ownership laws for non Jewish Germans.
Hitler is not at issue here. Obama is nothing like Hitler and Obama has not presented one single idea that has not been done BEFORE in this country by Republicans and Democrats. Failure to comprehend this renders you automatically downgraded from the “Can handle a weapon” category that the Czar and Soros are going to impose on the nation one of these days.
3) You are not the President. Your children are not being threatened like the President’s children are. Every President’s family requires Secret Service protection as a part of NATIONAL SECURITY (you loved the Homeland when it was ruled by a Republican, what gives, precious patriots?). “After the assassination of President William McKinley in 1901, Congress directed the Secret Service to protect the President of the United States. Protection remains a key mission of the United States Secret Service.”
Please note that the President’s daughters’ school does not have armed guards, no matter what the NRA tells you. “While some news organizations reported that the ad was referencing the Secret Service protection provided to the Obama family — as required by federal law — the longer ad makes it clear that the NRA is specifically referring to the security force at Sidwell Friends.” Also, the President never said he was against armed guards in schools. He said, “I am skeptical that the only answer is putting more guns in schools.” ONLY. See qualifier. (Do you ever wonder why they lie to you and make you look like a fool for repeating lies?)
However, if this really bothers you, and you think that you, living in your mom’s basement and trolling the Internet with your “I am the military” fictional persona, are just as important to national security and thus you need the same protection as the President, I say to you YES YOU CAN.
Here’s how you do it: Gather up ye’ fellow patriots and pledge to stop threatening the President and his family (for that matter, stop threatening Congresspeople — just STOP, you look insane and it’s not working). Then, pledge to stop believing every lie you hear about the Black Czar. Turn off Fox News and stop reading Breitbart.com. Avoid Beck and Rush. Give it a few months to cleanse your brain of residual insanity.
Now that you have achieved a somewhat normal state of mind, go train on these weapons. Get back to us when you’ve passed all of the tests and classes the Secret Service has. Bonus: You have now done something with your life other than fall victim to every conspiracy hoax your right wing leaders generate in order to make money off of you. You are no longer a victim and your brain is working again. You no longer need to pretend to be a dangerous nut job on the Internet. Now you know how silly you sounded to the people who know better. YOU may just qualify to own a gun!
This is what you look like to the rest of us, “19 Second Amendment Fails” via cizgifilmizzle on Youtube:
In summation, if you believe easily debunked hysteria offered up by right wing cons and grifters (aka, “pundits”, “politicians” and “entertainers”), you are a victim of your own failure to think and hence should not be allowed to own a dangerous weapon. If you are threatening to murder people (including Democratic Congersspeople – new low, “patriots” don’t threaten to muder people over legislation. Really.) who disagree with your version of reality, you are only bringing attention to the fact that you should not own a gun because you are a threat to other citizens.
Remember, patriots, your second amendment does not trump others’ first amendment rights. When you show respect for all of the amendments and the rights of other human beings, you will be making a much better argument for paying attention to what you have to say.
No, I’m not an elist, but if you think I am, you’re just demonstrating how low you set the bar for yourself. Man up, patriots. It costs nothing to educate yourselves and yes, we expect a modicum of sanity and working brain cells before we hand you weapons of mass destruction because guess what, our right to live trumps your right to be an idiot. Cry us a river.
Psst: Real, lasting liberty is won through ideas, not guns. “Loving your country” for real implies that you be educated about basic history and civics (immigrants have to know these things when they become citizens, why not you American exceptionalists?). Ponder that the next time you refer to yourself as a patriot.
Prove your worthiness by sounding somewhat reasonable, and then you won’t frighten the nation so much and they won’t awaken to the threat you pose in your primitive state. You’d better pray that nothing happens to any of the people you’re threatening right now, because if it does, it’s all over for your rights to own a weapon of mass destruction (Reagan/Brady ringing a bell?). It’s called losing big time. Go with sanity — it’s better for everyone.
Happy Gun Appreciation day, patriots.
Notice for Patriots: The Dixie Gun and Knife Show has been closed today due to an accidental shooting. Rinse, repeat.
Image: Southern Donkey
Ms. Jones is the editor-in-chief of PoliticusUSA.
Sarah hosts Politicus News and co-hosts Politicus Radio. Her analysis has been featured on several national radio, television news programs and talk shows, and print outlets including Stateside with David Shuster, as well as The Washington Post, The Atlantic Wire, CNN, MSNBC, The Week, The Hollywood Reporter, and more.
Sarah has won two Telly Awards and is a member of the Society of Professional Journalists.