Oh my God! Oh my God! Have you ever heard such good news? Finally! Silence! Even if it is the silence of the grave, it has to be better than listening to clowns like Janet Mefferd, Peter LaBarbera and Sandy Rios, to name just three.
But that’s exactly what Janet Mefferd promises. She says that if SCOTUS legalizes same-sex marriage that God will strike! Zap! Crispy critters, earthlings! And not only that:
And every single Founding Father will flip in his grave and God in his Heaven will still have that arrow, that bow and arrow pointed at us, that Jonathan Edwards talked about in ‘Sinners in the hands of an Angry God,’ holding the bow and arrow, holding back His wrath, but only for a time.
Okay, so maybe not crispy critter but pincushions. But still! Great news, right? I will be so glad when it’s over (so will the Founding Fathers – can you imagine flopping around like that?), because so many of these people have been left behind, and I’m not talking about evolution here though that’s also a problem.
Nossir. I’m talking about God gathering up his wayward kidlettes and bringing them home to his wrathful bosom in the sky.
And LaBarbera, of Americans for a Bunch of Made-up Shit About Homosexuality…well, here’s a guy who reverses reality so he can feel good about himself. You see, in his deranged world – well a lot of things are true in his deranged world – the granting rights is a form of tyranny (in the rest of the world it’s the taking away of rights that is tyranny):
The homosexual agenda is about restricting people’s liberty and freedom,” LaBarbera told Mefferd, “We have to get back to showing where the true discrimination is: the citizens of New Jersey just lost their freedom here; we have got to get back to emphasizing that we are for true liberty.
Now of course, there is no gay conversion therapy in either the Old or New Testament so the bigots of New Jersey haven’t lost a damn thing, and not only that, but helpless minors are saved from ruthlessly deranged parents who listen to people like Janet Mefferd and Peter LaBarbera.
And no, I haven’t forgotten Sandy Rios. You’ve probably been wondering what the Religious Right’s reaction to intervening in Syria might be. Lemme tell ya: Sandy Rios says she doesn’t think it’s going to go well because gay guys don’t make good soldiers and women soldiers…well, shoot like girls. I know, can you believe it?
It’s getting more exaggerated. This is the nature of John Kerry, he always does this; he’s not to be trusted. This is the reason why I think we have to be concerned about going into Syria because the people that we’re looking at to lead us are untrustworthy people. There’s a second reason and that is military readiness. When I looked at those battleships going into the Mediterranean, supposedly getting ready for battle in Syria, I couldn’t help think about all the stories I’ve read about how women now are in the ranks of the Navy, getting pregnant at exponential numbers; when I think about the folding in and the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and the homosexual takeover of so much of our military I’m not sure how effective those naval ships will be.
(I don’t know about you but when I read stuff like this I just have the urge to giggle insanely).
So I guess the deal is that all the gay guys with their limp wrists and the women with their girlie shooting motion are going to bollocks things up good. I mean, who do you win a war with soldiers like that, right, Sandy?
Everyone knows it takes hate to be a good Christian soldier. It’s not a job for gays and women. So we ought to send some Christian crusaders over there to take some bullets. I mean, they can soak up lead with the best of them, right?
I nominate Sandy to lead them. A good leader gets out in front of her troops and I can’t think of a better person to take that lead position than Sandy Rios. Her faith will be her armor and she can smite Saracens and recapture the Holy Land and find the True Cross and all that in record time. And as she passes through Antioch on her way to Damascus to depose Assad she might even find the Holy Hand Grenade.
Just remember to use it exactly as prescribed, Sandy! Reading from Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one it ought to go something like this.
Sandy Rios: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats….
And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.’
So come on down and start your smiting, God, because we have a lot of feasting to do and we can’t enjoy it listening to tools like Sandy Rios, Janet Mefferd and Peter LaBarbera. I mean, seriously. Wrath be damned. With these design flaws there ought to be a recall. GM can do it. Why can’t you?
Hrafnkell Haraldsson, a social liberal with leanings toward centrist politics has degrees in history and philosophy. His interests include, besides history and philosophy, human rights issues, freedom of choice, religion, and the precarious dichotomy of freedom of speech and intolerance. He brings a slightly different perspective to his writing, being that he is neither a follower of an Abrahamic faith nor an atheist but a polytheist, a modern-day Heathen who follows the customs and traditions of his Norse ancestors. He maintains his own blog, A Heathen’s Day, which deals with Heathen and Pagan matters, and Mos Maiorum Foundation www.mosmaiorum.org, dedicated to ethnic religion. He has also contributed to NewsJunkiePost, GodsOwnParty and Pagan+Politics.