(Note to conservative readers: the following is satire – HH)
The Republican Party has already made Mitt Romney the face of 2014. Just three days ago, the Wall Street Journal declared Mitt Romney to be “back in demand,” smooching old ladies and dumping ice water over the would-be royal brow. Two days ago the New York Post explained “why Mitt Romney may again be the GOP’s next great hope.”
Now, according to the Iowa Poll, Mitt Romney could run for president in 2016 with a reasonable chance of success, easily the frontrunner for Iowa Republicans. Why? Because these folks know that if they have a position, Mitt is right there with them. No matter what their position is!
That’s right! Mitt has positions on everything! In fact, Mitt has multiple positions on everything. And all the while, he is as constant as the Northern Star. No need to take my word for it. Just ask him!
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Why, on November 3, 2011, Mitt said,
I think you’ll find that I’ve been as consistent as human beings can be as I look at those issues and as I try to apply those principles to government.
If he runs, you simply have to vote for my man Mitt, because whatever your position, Mitt shares it. Let’s look at a few examples.
Think we need universal health care? Mitt’s right there with you:
On January 14, 2008 he was happy to point out that in Massachusetts he “was able to put in place a plan that helped get health insurance premiums down, and gets all of our citizens ensured. If we can do that nationally, we help…the entire nation.”
Hate universal health care? So does Mitt! On July 4, 2011, Mitt said, “One thing I’d never do would be impose a state’s plan on the entire nation, that makes no sense. I’ll repeal Obamacare.”
What a guy! How can you beat this versatility? You can’t!
On October 18, 2011, he told his fellow Republican presidential hopefuls,
“At the time I crafted the plan in the last campaign, I was asked is this something you would have the hole nation do, and I said no. This is something that was crafted for Massachusetts. It would be wrong to adopt this as a nation.”
And illegal immigration? Do you feel sympathy for those who came here illegally?
That’s great! So does Mitt! On December 16, 2007, he said that “the 12 million or so that are here illegally, should be able to sign up for permanent residency or citizenship.”
Think they all ought to just get the heck out? So does Mitt! On November 22, 2011, Mitt stood right up in front of America and said,
Flip-flop you say? Well,, let Mitt tell you something: Mitt himself said back on 2007 that, “If you’re looking for someone who’s never changed any positions on any policies, then I’m not your guy.”
Mitt not only has your bases covered, he has his bases covered.
Scott Reed, who strategizes for the US Chamber of Commerce, says that “Romney can’t be dismissed as the guy who lost last time. You watch him on TV these days, and he’s a new guy with total command of the issues and a real presence. ”
And he has! Other candidates might blame Obama for 9/11 or for the Iraq War. But Mitt can do better than that! Look how he has already pinned the blame for ISIL, a group whose origins ultimately reach all the way back to an internal Islamic crisis in the seventh century between what came to be called Sunnis and Shiites, on President Obama.
Now that is command of the issues!
It’s amazing what money can buy you, isn’t it! And Mitt has money to spare. That makes him better than all the rest of us, so we should listen to him. Don’t listen to Rolling Stone. The people Mitt screwed with his private equity firm need to take personal responsibility for their poor decision-making!
The WSJ knows, like Fox News and , what we Republicans need to hear to feel good about ourselves:
“Without all that negative advertising trained on him like there was in 2012, as he’s promoted other candidates, he has really found his voice and flourished,” said Republican strategist Kevin Madden, who has advised Mr. Romney’s campaigns.
Not so fast, Mr. Madden. Those mean old Democrats want to cast Mitt in a negative light again. Democratic National Committee spokesman Michael Czin pointed his finger at the Republican Party when he said that, “They haven’t learned from their mistakes. The fact that they now are looking to Romney as a remedy shows how weak the party is.”
But we have learned from our mistakes! Mitt has learned from his!
Mitt is not, as Vanity Fair refers to him, the “1 percent solution.” He is quite literally every man’s solution.
Hrafnkell Haraldsson, a social liberal with leanings toward centrist politics has degrees in history and philosophy. His interests include, besides history and philosophy, human rights issues, freedom of choice, religion, and the precarious dichotomy of freedom of speech and intolerance. He brings a slightly different perspective to his writing, being that he is neither a follower of an Abrahamic faith nor an atheist but a polytheist, a modern-day Heathen who follows the customs and traditions of his Norse ancestors. He maintains his own blog, A Heathen’s Day, which deals with Heathen and Pagan matters, and Mos Maiorum Foundation www.mosmaiorum.org, dedicated to ethnic religion. He has also contributed to NewsJunkiePost, GodsOwnParty and Pagan+Politics.
