The World Wakes Haggis-Free, But Gay People Walk Among Us

We wake up this morning to search frantically online for news out of Europe, only to gasp with relief when we find all our fears about Scottish independence were unfounded. The threat of oil-engorged Scottish armies marching roughshod over Europe and from there across the Atlantic to force a steady diet of haggis on us has abated, at least for now. Nothing else life throws at me today can harm me in the least.

The Scots have voted to remain part of the United Kingdom, meaning they have surrendered their best opportunity to get back at England for killing William Wallace, not to mention inventing the modern kilt that, when combined with beer-bloated bellies of middle-aged men, afflicts us so often at Renaissance festivals. Many people, underestimating the haggis threat, had worried about economic issues, but what is money when compared to eating, sheep’s heart, liver, and lungs all mixed up with oatmeal, onion, spices, salt and simmered inside a sheep’s stomach for three hours?

I don’t know about you, but this is one of the best days of my life, one I will remember with yearly celebrations of my ancestors’ own traditional diet of lutefisk, that is, a gelatinous mass of lye-soaked fish yumm. Quake in fear: your day will come. Someday, thanks to North Sea oil, Neo-Viking armies will bring real culture to your doorstep.

But then I saw that ISIL had beaten the Republicans to the punch and banned math. They also banned music and history. Here the Religious Right is one up on ISIL. Rather than banning history, they just rewrote it. Who said Republicans don’t have a certain low cunning?

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I felt a rainbow of emotions. Horror was first, then laughter. To see a movement willingly consign itself to the 13th century – oh wait, the Religious Right is on the same path and it won’t be so funny when that happens here.

What will distinguish fake Christians and fake Muslims then? The only difference now is that the rule of law in the United States limits the Religious Right to talking about killing people, while those “lucky ISL b*stards” can actually get away with it. What a gyp!”

And then I saw a headline that left me frozen in despair, because I could not understand it at all. My world had already been rocked by the very idea of a Tea Party Satanist, leaving me nearly catatonic in bewilderment…

…but when I saw that Linda Harvey and Molly Smith said that “anti-choicers must oppose gay rights because gay rights cause abortion,” I knew that my tenuous grip on sanity was hovering on a razor’s edge.

Hold on – don’t throw yourself off the bridge yet in an attempt to end the pain. They do try to explain how such a thing can be possible. Just listen to Smith:

The Planned Parenthood and anti-life lobby [would that be the same group trying to starve children here in America?] is heavily imbued [I didn’t know they knew that word] and connected to homosexuality. They’re in favor of opening up the doors and spreading the boundaries of sexuality all across the board [makes homosexuality sound like some sort of sandwich spread]. That includes homosexuality. The lines are very blurred, and unless you stand on this issue you’re going to see much more, and you do see much more, out of wedlock sexuality and then of course, more abortion.

Ok, no, that didn’t work.

And of course, these two harridans don’t believe the polls when they show increased support for gay rights, with Smith lamenting, “I’m beginning to lose all kinds of respect for these polls.” Because, of course, people have to be just as uptight and bigoted as these two.

Nothing else is possible. The reality bubble is as rigid as Dick Cheney’s demonic rictus-of-whatever-it-is.

“Yes,” Harvey said. “They’re inaccurate [unlike you, right?] they portray things in the wrong way [I sense the need for a mirror here].” According to Harvey, its all the pollsters faults that people are “defending something that is not defensible and is, indeed, shameful.”

Ok, now we really do need to send these women some mirrors. They just described themselves to a T.

But don’t panic, because Harvey Has The Answer (no, Dr.Seuss did not write that): Force schools to teach kids that “There is no such thing as a gay person.”

Take that, you non-existent gay people!

Harvey goes on to fantasize in lurid detail about the goings on in equally non-existent gay sex centers where older homosexuals teach children how to be gay: “The things that go on in the bathrooms of these centers…its unbelievable. It’s everything you can imagine.”

Harvey’s spiel was cut off by her urgent need to return home and take a long and very personal shower.

The amoral Harvey did have time to endorse beating the gay out of children in school, complaining that “These are people with those attractions and preferences, but not intrinsically, and those behaviors are immoral and harmful.”

But don’t worry! Beating people up will put an end to immorality!

Oh wait…

That bridge is calling to me…feel the suck, feel the suck…

Ahhhhhh, there, had some gay-friendly Starbucks at gay-friendly Target and broke the evil spell.

And suddenly I realize that bridges aren’t places trolls live under, but places that allow you to go forward across what are otherwise barriers, and that without math, you can’t build bridges! Just think, ISIL will collapse under the weight of its own ignorance along with their bridges, which, without math, they will not be able to replace!

Yes, ignorance is its own worst enemy.

I felt like, with that one sip of delicious green tea lemonade and raspberry and classic syrup (a sort of modern mead of poetry), that the whole universe had opened up to me. I was in a Norse saga. Or just possibly, a Beatles song.

Yes, Linda Harvey. There are gay people. And they have just as much right to go shopping as people who carry AR15s to compensate for having very small penises. And while they are not being taught as kids how to be gay, those penis-challenged white kids are being indoctrinated into the ways of heteromanliness™ by older penis-challenged white guys.

Because c*cksucking isn’t evil. Kochsucking is.

But just remember, it could be worse. You could be eating haggis as you read this. Or lutefisk.

Yes, it can always be worse, and possibly, as you are reading this, you are thinking you have just seen proof of that.