Louie Gohmert Indulges in Fantasies About Gay Massages Rather than History


I wrote about Ted Cruz’s issues with reality this morning disqualifying him from public office. Louie Gohmert, another Texas Republican, suffers from the same reality disorder. This condition is best explained in a series of “if/then” statements:

If – Something happened in Benghazi
Then – Quick make up some lies about Benghazi

If – Obama says something
Then – Quick make up some lies about Obama

That’s all there is to it! It’s the Republican way!

Gohmert gave a demonstration of this principle yesterday when he appeared on the radio by way of the less than picky “Point Of View.”

I’ve had people say, ‘Hey, you know, there’s nothing wrong with gays in the military. Look at the Greeks.’

Now apply the handy principle above:

If – The Greeks did something
Then – Quick make up some lies about the Greeks

Unlike Republicans, let’s leave inaccuracies out of our discussion and stick to what really happened. You know, facts. The things Gohmert has such a problem with:

Well, you know, they did have people come along who they loved that was the same sex and would give them massages before they went into battle.

Oh dear. You haven’t ever actually opened up a history book, have you, Louie?

He is obviously not referring to actual gay Greek warriors like the Theban Sacred Band, which was not there to give massages, but rather to kick the cr*p out of anyone who attacked their city, Thebes. Yes, gays can be patriotic too. And they can kick the cr*p out of people who prefer opposite-sex relationships.

Here are some facts about the Theban Sacred Band: It was formed of approximately 150 pairs of male lovers circa 378 BCE. Plutarch tells us, in his Life of Pelopidas,

Gorgidas, according to some, first formed the Sacred Band of three hundred chosen men, to whom, as being a guard for the citadel, the State allowed provision, and all things necessary for exercise: and hence they were called the city band, as citadels of old were usually called cities. Others say that it was composed of young men attached to each other by personal affection, and a pleasant saying of Pammenes is current, that Homer’s Nestor was not well skilled in ordering an army, when he advised the Greeks to rank tribe and tribe, and family and family together, that-

“So tribe might tribe, and kinsmen kinsmen aid.”

but that he should have joined lovers and their beloved. For men of the same tribe or family little value one another when dangers press; but a band cemented by friendship grounded upon love is never to be broken, and invincible; since the lovers, ashamed to be base in sight of their beloved, and the beloved before their lovers, willingly rush into danger for the relief of one another. Nor can that be wondered at since they have more regard for their absent lovers than for others present; as in the instance of the man who, when his enemy was going to kill him, earnestly requested him to run him through the breast, that his lover might not blush to see him wounded in the back. It is a tradition likewise that Iolaus, who assisted Hercules in his labours and fought at his side, was beloved of him; and Aristotle observes that, even in his time, lovers plighted their faith at Iolaus’s tomb. It is likely, therefore, that this band was called sacred on this account; as Plato calls a lover a divine friend.

When Philip of Macedon, the father of Alexander the Great, was busy conquering Greece in 338 BCE, the combined Theban-Athenian army found themselves facing the Macedonians at Chaeronea. Young Alexander, just 18, was in command of the troops facing the Theban Sacred Band. The Thebans fought to the last man in defense of their lovers, and of their city. Each and every one of them died.

Modern excavations under the The Lion of Chaeronea, the monument, say ancient historians Pausanias (Description of Greece, 9.40.10) and Strabo (Geography, 9.2.37), erected by the Thebans in honor of their dead, revealed 254 skeletons, buried in seven rows.


It must be remembered that Alexander, perhaps the greatest general the world has ever seen, who had just defeated them, may have had male lovers of his own, including his close friend Hephaestion.

Certainly, based on the example of the Theban Sacred Band alone, same-sex attractions do not render a man unfit for military duty.

In Plutarch, too, we find their epithet:

It is stated that it was never beaten till the battle at Chaeronea: and when Philip, after the fight, took a view of the slain, and came to the place where the three hundred that fought his phalanx lay dead together, he wondered, and understanding that it was the band of lovers, he shed tears and said, “Perish any man who suspects that these men either did or suffered anything that was base.”

You won’t find this account of courage and sacrifice in Louie Gohmert’s hateful rhetoric. Instead, you get gay massage fantasies:

But you know what, it’s a different kind of fighting, it’s a different kind of war and if you’re sitting around getting massages all day ready to go into a big, planned battle, then you’re not going to last very long. It’s guerrilla fighting. You are going to be ultimately vulnerable to terrorism and if that’s what you start doing in the military like the Greeks did.

Plutarch, on the other hand, tells us that,

Gorgidas distributed this Sacred Band all through the front ranks of the infantry, and thus made their gallantry less conspicuous; not being united in one body, but mingled with so many others of inferior resolution, they had no fair opportunity of showing what they could do.

Clearly, Gorgidas did not distribute them among the ranks to give or receive massages.

But Gohmert, ever a lover of the Big Lie, says instead,

[A]s people have said, ‘Louie, you have got to understand, you don’t even know your history.’ Oh yes I do. I know exactly. It’s not a good idea.

Philip of Macdeon and his son, Alexander, would beg, no doubt, to differ.

Louie says he knows history. But Louie doesn’t know history. Louise is another David Barton. He doesn’t need history when he can just make up his own, as he does here.

The gay men of the Theban Sacred Band were better men than Louie Gohmert can ever hope to be.

Lion of Chaeronea image from Panoramio.com

22 Replies to “Louie Gohmert Indulges in Fantasies About Gay Massages Rather than History”

  1. The man spends w-a-y too much time pondering the sex lives of others. And beasts. Ever been around someone on a stringent diet?…..all they can think or talk about is food because they don’t get enough of it.

  2. Why does he care so much? Because he’s clearly a closet case who fantasizes about big c*ck in mouth. These extreme homophobes are so very transparent.

    He doth protest way too much and too often and, clearly, he’s full of self-hatred. It doesn’t take a psychiatrist to figure that out. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

  3. This guy is without a doubt,certifyable!!! I mean, really !!!! Does he really mean what he says, or is he just playing up to his base. Speaking of base? Who are these people, and what were they thinking when they pushed the levers to elect this guy!!!!. Surely they vote republican, but this guy !!! Scary to say, but there had to be a better republican candidate than this guy, (HaHa imagine that)was he unopposed? Is Gomer’s district in the Texas badlands? What has he done or accomplished since coming to Washington? Can someone help me,please explain how this clown is allowed to make decisions for me and the rest of America, when it is clear that he is delusional at best. Just saying!!!.

  4. I was pondering the phallic nature of asparagus when it occured to me that maybe Gomer named his junk Asparagus. It would make his famous verbal ejaculation slightly less nonsensical. :D

  5. In the book, “Conduct Unbecoming” there’s also another revelation that people like Gohmert would like to pass over. It’s the story of Baron von Steuben whose sexuality was to say the least a matter of debate. He was most likely a homosexual and it was common knowledge at the time. Ben Franklin recruited Stueben to help put together a cohesive and well-trained army to fight against the British in the early days of the American revolution. His services were called “indispensable and General Washington himself sent him a letter of thanks for his contributions. AS one colonel said of Steuben at the time, “it is unquestionably to his efforts that we are indebted for the introduction of discipline in the Army.”

  6. I was so happy to see Alpha House second season is back on Amazon Prime. Even better than the first season. Just that show alone is worth the price of Prime. One of the characters is such a perfect composite of Louie and Lindsey it’s spooky. HILARIOUS.
    Goodman as Gil John Biggs, a NC senator/ex football coach is spot on. I stayed up way past my bedtime. To think we see these same men in real life every time we see a republican speak. I had to stop at the one about gun idiocy. Just too funny. The show is TOO good. I sure hope we see more and more of the lighter side of Washington to help us through the next two years.

  7. More like a version of Fester Addams.. The only bright lite from him is when he shoves the light bulb into his &&&&&

  8. He’s like Marcus Bachmann, Fred Phelps & Bryan Fischer. Just way WAY too fixated on gays to not call his sexuality into question.

  9. Here’s the thing gohmert should never be quoted on any thing again he is an idiot; elected by the republican people of Texas ; let them deal with his lunatic type ranting and raving.

  10. Louie should stick to warping recent history in his favor, it’s easier because he is so delusional and leave ancient history alone. I can’t wait for this jerkwad to be kicked out of public office! He’ll probably be given a free diploma from Liberty University and teach Christian Conservative Revisionist History.

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