Republicans Are Idiots – But Kirk Cameron’s Movie Officially Sucks So Cheer Up

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It’s Sunday, and you know what that means. Football and a Sunday sermon. America, we have a genuine Shakespearean winter of discontent to wallow in, but, kind of like Henry’s, it is “made glorious.” Or at least less gloomy. I mean, if not an actual sun there is a glimmer of a hint of a sun on the horizon. I mean, I’ve heard about the sun. From somebody who said they knew somebody who saw it.

Frequently, I realize I cannot begin to think how to respond to some of the things I am hearing. I am literally made speechless. Really, I could not write this stuff and if you had read half of it in a book twenty years ago, you’d never have believed America could go crazy, that one of our two main political parties could collectively take a jump off the deep end into some bizarre La-La Land simply because reality had become unbearable.

I mean, once upon a time Republicans actually tried to legislate stuff based on our shared reality. Now they say they didn’t get elected to actually legislate stuff, and if they can be bothered to write legislation, its based on a bunch of stuff they made up.


I’m not trying to make Hitler comparisons here and violate the sanctity of Godwin’s Law, but it occurs to me too that this must have been what it was like to be a sane German in 1933. The poor bastards must have stood there wringing their hands and going, “Was verdammt!” They must, like we ourselves, thought they had suddenly found themselves in a madhouse, and the inmates were accusing THEM of being insane. I suddenly feel their pain.

We’ve watched it happen. Bush got himself elected and the neighborhood went to hell in a hand basket. I mean, in a New York minute. It’s been all downhill from there. And no, Bush was not the cause of all this. The man didn’t have the wit to punch his way out of a wet paper bag or to find his backside with without Dick Cheney’s help.

Sorry for that image. Some of you might be eating breakfast and I think I even threw up a little in my own mouth. But his presidency seemed to unlock the doors to hell, and suddenly we’re swimming in neo-Confederate secessionists and white supremacists and lackwits like Keith Ablow and Sean Hannity, and each new Republican crop in Congress is crazier than the last.

I have begun at last to understand poor Sisyphus, the legendary king of Corinth who had to keep rolling a big rock up a hill, watch it roll back down again, and then have to roll it back up, endlessly. The unfair part is that this ought to be the punishment inflicted on Republicans, because Sisyphus’ crime was deceitfulness. John Boehner ought to be doing this, and come to think of it, he may feel he is, but that’s his own fault. Don’t get me wrong: I will take what joy I can from that thought.


Of course, Sisyphus only got this punishment for claiming to be cleverer than Zeus. These guys claim to follow Jesus instead, but Jesus seems to be letting all this slide in the name of turning the other cheek. We can’t wait forever for the rapture, because good as it sounds (I have my eyes on some properties, yes), I don’t think the world is going to outlast the crazy. The future is supposed to be dystopian, not the present.

The only dim ray of sunshine I can find on this cloudy morning is that Kirk Cameron’s movie, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas, hasn’t saved Christmas. I just read that Cameron has earned the lowest of low ratings on IMDB – the Internet Movie Database’s Bottom 100. That’s right: his film has a rating of 1.5. That’s lower than Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004) and The Hottie & The Nottie (2008).

As the Friendly Atheist over at Patheos will tell you, this is worse even than From Justin to Kelly, 23 from the bottom of the Bottom 100.

The lowest score possible is 1.

Cameron’s film has a 0% positive rating on Rotton Tomatoes. ZERO. ZILCH.

To show you how bad Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas is, Battlefield Earth, the worst movie I have personally ever seen, ranked 2.4. I can barely conceive of 1.3. That’s like trying to imagine Ted Cruz thinking an honest thought, or Bryan Fischer reading the Bible.

Or John Boehner not being orange.

It’s literally out of the realm of comprehension.

Come to think of it, that matches the Religious Right’s integrity index.

And then it occurred to me that this will make Cameron believe more than ever that he is being persecuted

and I thought, ‘You know what? I can live with that.’

Just like you have to take joy where you can find it, as with the image of John Boehner pushing a big rock up a hill endlessly, you have to learn to take the small victories in life.

You know, as in Kirk Cameron making the worst movie in history. Like, in forever.

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