I’m beginning to think the Republican Clown Car of Candidates is a deliberate campaign strategy that is somehow beyond the comprehension of most regular-thinking mortals. The upcoming 2016 Presidential Election being the third in a row where the vast majority of Republican candidates were gleefully unhinged, unqualified, unintelligent, or in some other way completely and totally unbelievable, I have to wonder whether this is one of those slight-of-hand type tricks where we’re seduced into looking at what’s going on over here, when what’s really about to stomp us into the dirt is coming at us from way over here.
If you don’t believe me, or think I’m venturing too far down the conspiracy theory trail, then let’s take a look at the roster, shall we? This is not a full list of all the Republican candidates from years past, and I will freely confess that there were even a few reasonable candidates in there (2012 candidates Buddy Roemer and Jon Huntsman both come to mind, neither of whom stood a chance due to such intolerable character defects as sanity, decency, etc.) but the list of names to follow should, at the very least, cause you to go hmmmmm…
Nominee: John McCain (accompanied by Sarah Palin)
Mike Huckabee (God told him to run)
Mitt Romney (money told him to run)
Ron Paul (great entertainment value)
Honorable Mention (who dropped out before or during the primaries)
Alan Keyes (because Obama)
Fred Thompson (played same character in life as on screen)
Nominee: Mitt Romney
Newt Gingrich (good at sounding smart)
Michele Bachman (scary fun)
Rick Perry (what’s wrong with Texas, Exhibit A)
Herman Cain (more great entertainment)
Jeb Bush (related to two earlier mistakes)
Ben Carson (good at medicine)
Ted Cruz (Dr. Smooth)
Carly Fiorina (because Hillary)
Mike Huckabee (again)
Rand Paul (Son of Ron)
Rick Perry (again)
Rick Santorum (again)
Marco Rubio (really good at sweating)
In the Wings
Bobby Jindal (whatever)
Chris Christie (whatever again)
Scott Walker (same)
Even if they all became Koch addicts, it’s difficult to see how most of these jokers ever imagined themselves in the White House, or any house that serves solid food or offers a room with an actual view not framed by padded walls. Jeb Bush was supposed to be the moderate Republican candidate for 2016, or so I thought until he started spouting such Tea Party crowd-pleasers as suggesting the public shaming of single mothers. Mitt Romney was supposed to be the (somewhat) reasonable and realistic Republican candidate of 2012, except that no one liked him and he couldn’t stop running away from himself screaming every time he confronted a mirror. John McCain in 2008, once again the same thing, until he let Palin on board and it was full speed ahead to Wacky World.
Now here comes the recently announced Donald Trump on his widdle tricycle, tooting his widdle horn, the Clown Prince Triumphant. Seriously?
For a political party so obsessed with the evils of overspending to be spending this much money on this many idiots, time after time, has just got to be part of some grand design.
Keith Owens (AKA Black Liberal Boomer) is a Detroit-based writer who has worked for The Detroit Free Press, Detroit’s alternative newsweekly the Metro Times, the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel, and other newspapers. He was also a nationally syndicated columnist with Universal Press Syndicate for three years beginning in 1993.