Todd Starnes Wants God to Chase SCOTUS and POTUS with Bugs

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starnes-and-cicadas
I was just laughing over the Republican reaction to Obamacare’s hard-to-over-celebrate SCOTUS victory. I mean, how can people be upset that people have affordable healthcare? How is that a bad thing? I mean, that’s like being opposed to safe drinking water and safe food and breathable air!

Oh wait…

And yeah, Starnes did the typical over-the-top reaction thing to the SCOTUS decision:

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But that was when I discovered what truly funny is in a nice catch by the folks at Right Wing Watch: Todd Starnes = Catastrophically Stupid Comedy Gold.

More and more I think of Starnes as the male counterpart of Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the one they hired to say things so stupid nobody else would say them.

Speaking Saturday at the misnamed “Faith and Freedom Conference,” the hysterical Starnes was all about the mythical “war on Christianity” meme, especially the potential for other people to have the same rights Christians do.

You would think there was an arena full of lions awaiting him at the end of his speech. “This is not just about marriage; this is about whether or not a government can begin to put limitations on the conscience and the convictions of people of faith,” he complained.

Yes, because equal rights for others are somehow chains on Christians.

It is not gays who are facing “considerable adversity,” nossir. Instead, “Our businesses, and our families, and our churches are in jeopardy.”

Old Todd has been watching too much of his own network, methinks.

But Starnes took hope from the Bible. Not from any book containing Jesus of course. That would be just silly. I mean, Jesus likes poor people and he isn’t “wrathy” enough despite throwing a tantrum in the temple (Mark 11:15-19, 11:27-33, Matthew 21:12-17).

What’s knocking a table over compared to plagues of insects?

So Starnes goes right for the book of Exodus and his god sending a “swarm of hornets to clear the battlefield” (Exodus 23:28).

Again, you would think a guy who calls himself a Christian would go for a Jesus quote, but Starnes says this pre-Jesus passage ought to be the “battle prayer of every patriot saint.”

Oh sweet little baby Jesus and his AR-15. You mean you’re all saints now?

I don’t know what happened to “turn the other cheek” and “love your neighbors” and “do not cast the first stone.” I don’t even ask anymore. They just tell me I have to be one of them to understand.

And trust me: I know that’s true.

So here is where Starnes gets really whacky:

When the public schools tell students that our Founding Fathers were a bunch of terrorists: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear the field! When a teacher tells a little boy he can’t pray over his meal: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear that field! When the Pentagon tells them to take down a cross on a Christian chapel: Send those hornets! Clear the field! When the Supreme Court says they know better than God: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear the field!

And, when the president says that America is no longer just a Christian nation: Don’t send the hornets, Lord. Send the mosquitoes and the gnats, and the bumblebees and the lightning bugs and the cicadas! Send every critter you got, Lord! Clear the field!”

You did not just say that!

He did. He did say it. And he acted like he was serious about it, whether he truly was or not. It’s sometimes difficult to believe people really believe this stuff (sadly, I know people who do). We more progressive types sometimes have to open our minds to realize that in some minds, this stuff is true.

So Starnes wants the Supreme Court cleared by bugs. I admit to a certain humor in watching Justice Scalia driven from the court by a swarm of hornets, but he wants President Obama attacked by bugs too.

No hornets, but mosquitoes (he doesn’t say which of the several varieties he prefers – some carry yellow fever, some malaria, etc), gnats of all things, bumblebees (not as mean as hornets, sorry), lightning bugs (?) and of all things, cicadas.

Bumblebees would be great. Given the great bee die-off, we could use an infusion of bees, so I suspect an environmentally-sensitive guy like Obama would be overjoyed.

Why lightning bugs? They’re pretty. You just have to be careful if you try to catch one in your hand. I will never get over an old memory of mine from about the time I was six when I tried to carry one into the house and smushed it in my hands.

I felt so bad.

I don’t want Obama to feel bad. So that’s just mean.

And cicadas? This is one of those WTF moments you can only scratch your head over (assuming you haven’t passed out from laughing). I mean, cicadas are annoying but they’re not inimical to humans, like say, hornets.

They only “bite” you if they mistake you for a tree. They might mess up the White House grounds, but heck, in some cultures and in some eras, if God sent a swarm of cicadas after them, they wouldn’t be upset. Instead, they’d jump up and down in joy and shout, “Food!”

So c’mon, Todd.

First of all, flip your Bible over to the New Testament or stop calling yourself a Christian. Second, stop pretending that equal rights for others equals an attack on you. It doesn’t.

You’re just being stupid, dude. But hey: Fox News guy here. Just do us all a favor and don’t mate with Elisabeth Hasselbeck. The world couldn’t take that kind of stupid.

21 Replies to “Todd Starnes Wants God to Chase SCOTUS and POTUS with Bugs”

  1. Poor rethugs, they just hate everyone they once loved. The SCOTUS, the Pope, who next – horror of horrors, if they knew how to read the bible they would probably hate Jesus.

  2. Welp, out here in the wild west, home of umpteen golf courses that cover over desert /old indian grounds, if the water “feature” doesn’t have a pump (by law) it’s a huge fine…and I know people who just love to call the county to report the course; it’s a West Nile thing. Our responsible citizenry especially enjoys calling in reports on the owner of one of the local courses who looks and acts like Rush Limbaugh (a Canadian!).

    I ain’t nun too worried about no hords of buggers…we got plenty of guns out here!

    I digress. The Daily Show did a clip of this guy looking into the camera saying his cray-cray this past week and I could not hear his message over my laughter, looking at him speaking; he looks like the talking head, Max Headroom; is this guy real or an animation? I know one thing for sure, he’s a liar and a “haint”.

    The OT is strictly for Jews and nobody else.

  3. I would like to point to Marcus Aurelius here, who was not a Christian:

    A prayer of the Athenians: Rain, rain, O dear Zeus, down on the ploughed fields of the Athenians and on the plains.- In truth we ought not to pray at all, or we ought to pray in this simple and noble fashion. (Meditations, Book 5)

  4. Oh the Irony!

    One of the Ten Commandments is: Thou shalt not bear false witness.

    And yet these ‘christians’ bear false witness constantly. Why it’s almost as if they didn’t bear false witness, they’d have nothing to whine about. Or, they’d have to see to the beam in their own eye, for a change.

    Lightning bugs? Basically they’re just a bunch of horny bastards looking to get laid. Cicadas don’t bite or sting, at best they’re just obnoxious. But if properly cooked they’re tasty.

  5. Now wouldn’t it be pleasing to see their prayers turned on them? What ever they pray for, turned and hit them? They pray for bugs, let the bugs be upon them. They pray for destruction of others let the destruction be upon them. Fair is fair isn’t it?

  6. Thou Shalt Not Lie

    ‘When a teacher tells a little boy he can’t pray over his meal: Send the hornets, Lord! Clear that field! When the Pentagon tells them to take down a cross on a Christian chapel’

    Since when?

    I really really really hate liars and most of them work in religion, journalism or government.

  7. No surprise here! This should be proof positive that belief in god is a mental disorder! And ToddLER Cicadas have NO MOUTH or digestive tract you idiot! They cant bite but they can ANNOY!..just like you Toddler Starnes.

  8. Let what he has prayed for be meted out to him threefold. A squadron of Florida bugs is crossing the state line about now…

  9. Abraham is the baby daddy of Christianity, Islam and Judaism.

    Which explains a great deal about monotheistic religions.

  10. Yeah, don’t go there. Ol’ Moses ain’t long for this world as history doesn’t even support his existence.

    Actually, having worked at a public HS for over 30 years in (gasp!) southern California, I’ve yet to see any student being prevented from praying over his food. Sorry to hear about the schools where Tod lives.

  11. I’m pretty sure a cicada can’t bite anything. Have you seen one up close? They don’t have a mouth, they have an intake vent. ;P

  12. Maybe it’s just me, but for some reason, every time I hear Starnes speak, I swear I think he’s building up to a musical number…

  13. …I concur…Teahadists, Teatards and NeoConArtists all need a checkup-from-the-neck-up…
    …if I’m not mistaken, ObamaCare covers that…

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