(Author’s Note: The following is neither satire nor parody, but actual right-wing nutjob thinking, or what passes for it. Fortunately, reading this will not make you stupid. So get out your Frito-Lay products and a Pepsi, sit down, read and have a laugh at the expense of the enemies of religious freedom – Hrafnkell)
Fox News has reported that “Doritos now has a new rainbow-colored corn chip in support of gay and lesbian teens — and they’re already causing a stir.” The chips were unveiled yesterday and it’s taken only moments for right wing skulls to literally explode, revealing nothing beneath.
Doritos Rainbows are here. To get a bag go to http://t.co/v9ATSCVaqL donate & show your support. #BOLDANDBETTER pic.twitter.com/zMnIhoVNlR
— Doritos (@Doritos) September 17, 2015
Right Wing Watch informs us that “John Nolte of Breitbart, who said that Doritos is flying the ‘colors of anti-Christian hate and oppression'” (you know what, I feel religiously oppressed by broccoli!), but as they say, Nolte’s attack “pales” in comparison to what you will read below.
This astonishingly stupid monologue comes to you courtesy of “American Thinker,” and is the product of the mind of Ed Straker, senior writer of NewsMachete.com, the conservative news site, who clearly has not put much thinking into this thesis, Want to know what gay tastes like? Try Rainbow Doritos!
The packaging tells buyers that “There’s nothing bolder than being yourself,” and apparently, Straker has taken this advice to heart, revealing a very disturbed person indeed. Read and enjoy!:
PepsiCo, who make Doritos (through subsidiary Frito-Lay), are producing a homosexual version of Doritos called “Rainbow Doritos.” Doritos are a product marketed to children, so they make the perfect gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality.
The chips come in several colors. The green are homosexual, the pink are lesbian, and the purple ones are transgendered Doritos. These last are Doritos that look purple but actually feel yellow and demand the right to commingle in the snack bags that have only yellow ones.
What business does PepsiCo have pushing homosexuality on our kids? This is how far our culture has shifted; it’s perceived to be cool to push a specific sexual orientation on children, even by companies that produce products that have nothing to do with sex. What’s next – gay toilet paper and tampons?
What’s worse is that PepsiCo is “partnering,” in every sense of the word, with a radical homosexual group led by a vile man named Dan Savage. Savage has called on Ben Carson and Mike Huckabee to do a certain love act on him (perhaps he is attracted to them?). He has tried to Google-bomb Rick Santorum’s name with an unpleasant gay sex act. PepsiCo seems to have no problem partnering with such a creature.
I think we need to boycott Pepsi and all related Frito-Lay products to deliver a message to Pepsi that if they are going to push gay propaganda on our kids, we are not going to give their products lip service any longer.
Furthermore, I think we should push other companies to launch pro-heterosexual campaigns. Perhaps we could persuade a hot dog maker and a hot dog bun company to do a joint effort promoting man-woman relationships.
Until we try sexualizing food like the left does, we’ll never know. And if we think like the left, we desperately need to find out.
Right. Frito-Lay is making a food that will magically turn your kids gay. Cause variously-colored salty chips will do that to you. If they were just a manly color children would be bursting with testosterone. Nobody is pushing anything on anybody, but Straker doesn’t realize nobody is forcing him to buy “gay Doritos” or anything else.
If he had bothered to read Fox News, he would see kids are unlikely to be able to even buy these, as they are available only online:
You won’t be able to find these corn chips in stores. They will be mailed to people who donate at least $10 to the It Gets Better Project, an organization started to encourage gay and lesbian teenagers who’ve been bullied. During the promotion, donors and supporters will also be encouraged to share photos and videos on through a special website and on social media using the hashtag #bolderandbetter.
Straker has no problem with Rick “Don’t hate on the Crusades” Santorum telling mainline protestants that they serve the devil, or that moderate Catholics are not really Catholics at all, or that liberal Jews hate Israel, not to mention the loads of anti-gay bigotry Santorum has spread.
Whats really funny about this tirade is that Straker doesn’t want to pay “lip service” to these salty treats. Hilariously, he thinks matching up hotdogs and buns will send the proper hetero imagery to little boys, who will then grow up thinking about unprotected sex with their female counterparts and somehow evading personal responsibility for the outcome.
It’s the Republican way!
Hrafnkell Haraldsson, a social liberal with leanings toward centrist politics has degrees in history and philosophy. His interests include, besides history and philosophy, human rights issues, freedom of choice, religion, and the precarious dichotomy of freedom of speech and intolerance. He brings a slightly different perspective to his writing, being that he is neither a follower of an Abrahamic faith nor an atheist but a polytheist, a modern-day Heathen who follows the customs and traditions of his Norse ancestors. He maintains his own blog, A Heathen’s Day, which deals with Heathen and Pagan matters, and Mos Maiorum Foundation www.mosmaiorum.org, dedicated to ethnic religion. He has also contributed to NewsJunkiePost, GodsOwnParty and Pagan+Politics.
Christ on a cross! These people see homosexuality EVERYWHERE!!!! They must eat, sleep and dream homosexuality 24/7. The ones who do the most shouting are probably homosexuals themselves. I guess Neopolatin Ice Cream is a homosexual thing too. Along with hair accessories, balloons, God made rainbows…..
They really need to embrace who and what they are and come out of the closet.
To them, the fate of humankind depends on who Frito lays.
Wow, project much, Nolte? Watch out for Skittles whose slogan is “Taste the Rainbow!” They’ll definitely make you catch ‘gay’.
And Dan Savage did more than ‘try’ to Google bomb Santorum. He succeeded in pulling off one of the greatest political pranks ever.
After reading this article, I started thinking that multicolored tampons could make that once a month event more festive! Sorry Breitbart, your people are just f’d up deluxe.
Please make it stop
There already are purple chips out there. And red ones. And blue ones. I bet of Frito-Lay snuck in some flag chips the RW would be appeased. Nah. They are mad at the Pope for being human, and Obama for being black. Women for having sex with men (they obviously are against that, because they plan to go after contraception as soon as they assure themselves that no one in the USA is getting an abortion, even to save her life!) Idiots. Fear-mongers. Hateful hateful people. If these are the “Christians’ among us, it’s no wonder church attendance is dropping faster than JEB!s poll numbers.
I’m surprised they haven’t gone after Skittles with their taste the rainbow campaign.
But we all know POT is a gateway for DORITOS!!!
as one with the Y chromosome, I can’t stop laughing at that!
I think these folks are just “special”
Yeah, it’s their imagination gone wild. On a take from the 70s — I wouldn’t be surprised if they played MP3s backward to hear the strange hidden messages.
they’re OBSESSED with gay sex
they’re obsessed with sex period since they’re not gettin any!!!
It’s even more insidious because this gateway first opened in 1955 when General Mills introduced Trix. Raspberry red, lemony yellow, orangey orange. Where will the horror end?!?
Well… makes me want to donate to this group and try the multi colored Doritos because, you know, Doritos are good (not good for you, but good).
The fact that they’re helping out the LGBT community in this project is an extra plus. Makes me glad that there are people in this country that believes that all are equal.
…ain’t that still on Google???
Hey, how about adult diapers, too? Repugs are always peeing their pants over something.
When all you have is a hammer, every problem becomes a nail.
Wow. If heterosexuality is so fragile that eating rainbow Doritos makes you gay, they REALLY need a good hard look at themselves.
But then again, everything is fragile in Right Wing Land.
Rainbow Doritos. The snap chips that will literally fuck you in the ass!
Hell breast feeding have the nuts hollering the end is here. We are doomed
“…if they are going to push gay propaganda on our kids, we are not going to give their products lip service any longer.”
Does that mean anal is still negotiable?
Only if you buy the KY with extra feeling
I’m thinking Ed has eaten some and they have enhanced his already man loving tendencies.
See when he was eating the nacho cheese he had to lick his fingers to get the extra residue off his fingers and as they say one thing led to another
Skittle, starburst, M & M’s, fruit baskets…. Better get rid of that color TV and Film for your camera! Fruit Loops, Lucky Charms… These people are NUTS!!
…you can Depends on it…
If we buy red and green Doritos at Christmas, does that mean we are anti-Christmas? I’m so confused. What does white verses yellow corn mean? Will making soup with Veg-All make us gay too?
Are you SURE Ed isn’t hoaxing us? ‘Cause I was hysterical with laughter about the homosexual Doritos. Then I got to the part about “green are homosexual, the pink are lesbian, and the purple ones are transgendered Doritos,” and started hyperventilating it was so funny. Some of the commenters got me started all over again.
Damn. Makes me wish I liked Doritos.
Frito “Lays”?
LOL
Pubs will never see the”Pot of Gold”
I liked giving Frito Lay “lip service”. This guy is just plain nuts.
my kids like, froot loops. is that a ‘homo’ causing food too? how about Neapolitan ice cream, you have vanilla and strawberry, touching the chocolate. might turn you into a muslim. when you thought you heard the bottom of stupid from the rw, they dont disappoint.
you forgot Fruit Loops and Lucky Charms has their new rainbow shape.
Lucky Charms has their new rainbow shape and would eating Count Chocula turn you into an african-american?
If eating rainbow colored things makes you gay, then every toddler who chewed crayons is doomed.
They fear themselves so much, and will not come out of the mythical religious closets and will fight with others to keep themselves from being exposed to their gay homophobic tendencies imbedded!! As they think a mythical socialist black Jesus will save them!!!
Wait a minute..I’ve eaten lots of Neopolitan ice cream Max but, I never felt inclined to attack someone from the back. Nor have I ever gotten paranoid about someone attacking me. Come to think, I don’t feel like a homosapien (killer fag that doesn’t take no for an answere). My god! The chips have turned on me, now what, no more Neopolitan icecream?
I bet those people that posted those pictures of butholes and puds on that Rand Paul, take your picture with Rand ap, must have gotten some of those gay Doritos! That explains everything. Two of the funniest things to come from repugs this week.
Smh….these idiots do this with all consumer products that they decide to disrupt their sales. I overheard a conversation of 2 RW Nuts says Subaru’s are for gay people. What are they talking about? So I’m going to start…… pickup trucks are for small wieners !!!!
“pickup trucks are for small wieners !!!!”
Same for open carry gun nuts.
The worst part of this homophobic mess that you have nut cases who support this stupid stuff. Wake u people start thinking for yourselves, you are being led down the wrong path.
Geez, wait ’til they see a Skittles advertisement.
Methinks some of these people are just a little bit too obsessed with other people’s sex lives, especially ‘the gay.’ If they really think purple teletubbies and rainbow colored corn chips ‘turn’ kids gay, they are the sick ones. I didn’t ‘decide’ to be straight any more than a gay friend ‘decided’ to be gay. We are the way we’re born! Sheesh.
Would someone please show me where you find the genitals on Doritos chips?
Sorry, they don’t have any and therefore cannot be either homosexual OR heterosexual, idiots.
I must confess, with hanging head, that… since I was a very small child… I have… eaten spumoni.
I honestly think these people have too much time on their hands to think this shit up.
Let’s see, Kellogg’s has been selling ‘rainbow’ color Fruit Loops since 1962 and I bet Ed and John have bought them. Or how about Post Food that introduced Fruity Pebbles in 1971. Gosh, the Gay agenda has been selling ‘gateway’ foods for well over 40 years. A boycott might be too late.
…”Until we try sexualizing food like the left does, we’ll never know. And if we think like the left, we desperately need to find out.”
What does that mean? The grammar is so poor, I have to assume Mr. Ed wants to think like a liberal because he’s desperate to try “sexualizing” food(?) Whaaaaaaat?
Eating processed food out of a bag belongs to the X-tians tribes, not liberals, so yeah, Mr. Ed, we’re all comin’ to get’cha.
Just sumbit or liberals will eat your babies…
Yeah, yeah, yeah, another day, another closet queen, holding the door closed, trying their best so not squeeze out between the door jams like the cream between two Oreo cookies…not sure what I just said, but, I’m sure some X-tain cretin will take it to heart.
Why didn’t he say they were shoving it down their throats?
…do they color a burrito with food colors and “Fk” it in the pantry??? Where does the insanity come from??? Secretly gay TelEvangelists caught with a gay lover and cocaine??? Don’t piss on me head and say it’s raining…air pollution ain’t THAT bad yet…
Stop, please! My stomach!! [Winky] ??????
Nothing says Christian love like Christian hate.
If these freaks think they are persecuted? How about gays and lesbians take what the Christian Pastors of Hate and that freak Christian Matthew McLaughlin just did in California with his Sodomite Suppression Act, which if it were passed, would give the right to Christians to walk up to anyone they DEEM gay or lesbian and blow their brains out or murder them by any other convenient means necessary? Or put into prison for ten years to life anyone who supports and defends the rights of gays and lesbians?
You got pastors of hate screaming how they should be allowed to brutally murder gays and lesbians. But if gays and lesbians and those who support them demanded the same be done unto Christians who scream this evil foaming at their mouths, then they would have a right to scream persecution, but I say it is time to truly persecute the persecutors.
Maybe we should do unto Christians, what they oh so want to do unto others….as their buybul…
But.. but… McLaghlin’s law would have sent someone to prison, every one in prison is the same se..Oh nevermind.
Ed Straker, another moron amongst so many.
You sir should be boycotted. Are you for real?
Can anyone possibly be as stupid as you come across? This seems like an early April fools joke.
Your homophobia is disconcerting at best; pure hatred at worst.
…ain’t there a support group for that??? [wink]
Please don’t paint all Christians with these loonies. They are insane! Who knew Lucky Charms has been pushing homosexuality all these years? God must be also, as God created rainbows. Are they going to boycott God and rainbows? God also created people who are LGBTQ. Joseph and the multi-color coat? The coat translated is “Princess dress”, so there is something about transgender in the bible, and it’s positive. It’s amazing how damn dumb these people are. It’s tough being a believer and having to explain to people that these morons are not the majority. Anyway, now I want some Doritos!
Just aging white males with Shriveling Testicles Syndrome pissing and moaning over their inevitable descent into irrelevance.
More than 34,000 people die by suicide each year,” making it “the third leading cause of death among 15 to 24 year olds with lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth attempting suicide up to four times more than their heterosexual peers.
Care to contribute to this sickening loss of young lives, Mr Straker?
I always liked taco flavored Doritos best…but Right Wingers likely view those as Un-American…& remember Frito-Bandito? Kinda stereotypical, but highly entertaining.
Very Accurate, I get emails from about 6 Right Wing Websites, they each send 2 or 3 identical emails, infact, they all send the same stuff, multiple times for some reason, with ‘shocking headlines’ that are 6 months old, but they alternate with
Baldness cures
Fat cures
Eyesight Cures
Alzheimer’s cures
Money Cures
Pain Cures
ED Cures
Apparently they think their readers are on death’s doorstep, & so they try to separate them from their money, while scaring them with ‘Banned Viseos’.
OMG, they are on to our ‘homosexual agenda’!!! The Rainbow Skittles didn’t work as the ‘Gateway’, but we certainly hope the Rainbow Fritos will.
Um, what?! yeah, cus that’s how sexuality and gender identity work.
well, it’s a good thing cheetos aren’t marketed to young males, cus we all know what some of those things look like. teaching them to put such things in their mouths, enjoying the flavor, craving more and more, getting it at school, at the corner store, anywhere they can!
grow the fuck up.
The part of the article I find funny is “it’s perceived to be cool to push a specific sexual orientation on children” Isn’t that exactly what they are doing by trying to force children to be only straight ???
OMG! Now GOPers think Rainbow Doritos are Gay!
Do do do do, do do do do… You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination.
That’s the signpost up ahead – your next stop, the Twilight Zone! or the funny farm. LMFAO!
I’m not getting any, and I’m not like them. I don’t know how a rainbow snack is a crime, especially when there’s Skittles around.