Somebody Thinks Millennials Are Simple-Minded Enough to Read an Emoji Bible

It is no secret that millennials are turning away from organized religion in droves – in the United States of course, this means Christianity – and that the result is a demographic nightmare for Republicans. What to do? What to do?

Read: Samuel Alito Is The Insurrectionist Threat To Democracy On The Supreme Court

I know! Publish an emoji version of the Bible! That will get them back! Or, as DetlefK at Democratic Underground put it, “And now computers shall be used to save Christianity from slipping into obscurity…”

The result, as Lauren O’Neil at CBC News tells us, is this:

For smiling face with halo emoji so loved the Earth emoji, that he gave his only begotten baby emoji, that whosoever believeth in him should not skull and crossbones emoji, but have everlasting life.
Prayer hands.

Here’s another example for you:

If you want the experience of reading the actual book, a horror-show if ever there was one, here you go:

This is what happens when you use 80 emoji icons to stand for 200 corresponding words.

Does that work for you millennials? Feeling it now? Charisma News tells us (and it’s hard to tell if they’re being satirical here) that “Apparently some millennials failed to read the Word of God because it wasn’t in a language they understood—until now.”

Personally, though not a millennial myself, if that is meant seriously, I’d be driven away rather than attracted by that Evangelical holier than thou attitude.

After six-months of effort, the emoji Bible was released Sunday by an anonymous editor at the iTunes Store to what Lauren Evans at Jezebel says was “near universal head-shaking,” for the low, low price of $2.99. We are assured it is a “fun way to share the Gospel” and “explore all 66 books chronicling the stories of Abraham, Noah and Jesus like never before!”

The creator told The Memo that millennials are “language agnostic.” He had better hope they are as it turns out he or she can’t spell the name for the target audience, as it was published as Bible Emoji: Scripture 4 Millenials [sic].

“Emojis are emotional, and allow people to express feelings in a visual way within the structure of “normal”, written language,” they told The Memo.
“What’s made them so successful, is that they’re language-agnostic — they allow you to convey an idea to anyone, regardless of what language they speak.”

Well…maybe not. Lauren Evans, also pointed out that, “The church itself has a rich history of hilarious reinvention tactics designed to make its message more palatable. This might not even be the worst one.”

What makes no sense at all is why the editor chose the least accurate version of the Bible in all of history to reach out to millennials? We get that Evangelicals love their KJV Bibles but its 66 books are bs piled on bs, to be perfectly blunt. It seems a poor exchange, 15% fewer words when the remaining words can’t be trusted in the first place.

But hey, if you enjoy this sort of thing, you can play around with passages at the emoji Bible’s website, here.

I suspect the response of millennials (again, being the father of one myself) is likely to be that of a respondent on the Bible Emoji’s twitter feed: “I just thew up in my mouth a little.”

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