I speak often here of the Republican desire to return us to the wonders of the 13th century, where superstition can at last triumph over pernicious science, where women can be put in their place without appeal to courts, minorities and children sent to the mines, and where the demon-haunted night gives the Church the much coveted role our Constitution dared give a demonically possessed federal government. Without federally-funded science, superstition would at last be free to turn all minds toward what THEY say is true about the universe, and well-armed Talibangelicals will make sure Mosaic law is strictly observed, not only on every street corner but in every bedroom. Imagine getting a call from school one day, and being told, based on the colors your child chose to make a crayon drawing, that he is gay, or possessed by demons and that he must get "treatment" at once. The year is 2020. The conversation goes something like this: "Mr. Johnson, we are concerned by your son's choice to Crayons this morning during an exercise in which the class was directed to draw the human brain." "I'm afraid I don't understand..." "You son chose black, brown, and gray crayons to draw the human brain." "But isn't the brain called 'gray matter' for a reason?" "Mr. Johnson, this is not a joking matter. Gray is scientifically linked to demonic possession. Your son Johnny is possessed by a demon." A pause. "He's also gay, but that's hardly a surprise, is it?" "Look, I'll be there to pick him up. There has to be some mistake." "It's already too late for that. Johnny is on his way to therapy. He will remain at the facility until he is free of the demon. The only mistake," the voice continues ominously, "has been made by your through the poor parenting skills that let this demon to take possession of your child." "No, you can't do this." "We already have, Mr. Johnson. His teacher, Ms. Sanderson, is well-steeped in demonology and she is able to tell simply by sitting next to children if they are demonically possessed. The choice of Crayon colors was just final proof." This is a treatment the theocratic authorities would be only so glad to provide at some privately owned facility that diverts generous amounts of tax dollars their way, much of it misdirected into greedy hands at several levels of government. If you want to know how that system works, just look at the privatization of schools, or at Rick Perry's scandalous handling of research funds at his new cancer institute. And they will take care of your child whether you agree or not. Demonic possession is not something to be taken lightly. And obviously, if you disagree, you are spitting in the eye of God and must therefore be possessed by demons too. Rest assured: you will to get a treatment of your own. Stay on the line; someone - a witch hunter, possibly even Sarah Palin's own pastor - will be there momentarily. At this point, you had better think fast, because if you don't give them the answers they want, if you don't show the proper levels of contrition, if you don't repent and find Jesus, your only choices are exile or death. Remember, they didn't hesitate to strip LGBT persons of their right to hold public office before taking their citizenship and then finally exiling them or sentencing them to death in cases where reparative therapy didn't work. The road won't be pleasant, but neither is the road to eternal damnation. That this is not a fantasy conjured up by people like me who oppose their efforts is demonstrated on a daily basis in the theater of the absurd that is conservative radio, television, and webcasts. This particular scenario is brought to you by Dr. Jerry Mungadze, who isn't actually a scientist but simply someone with degrees, like David Barton, in biblical studies and counselor education. According to his own website, Dr. Mungadze, "received a BS in Bible from Dallas Bible College in Dallas, Texas, an MA in Biblical Studies from Dallas Theological Seminary in Dallas, Texas, and a Ph.D. in counselor education with a minor in psychology from the University of North Texas in Denton, Texas." Making him at least as qualified as Michele Bachmann to completely misunderstand the Constitution and exactly how science works. In other words, he's conservatism's version of an expert in things he knows absolutely nothing about. He doesn't use brain scans to spot these demons. No, demons are tricky critters. Besides, he has a truly scientific method: He looks at the colors of crayons people choose to use in drawing a brain. He can spot demons this way, and he can also spot whether a person is gay or straight. As Warren Throckmorton wrote when he covered this back in June, "Brain scans? We don't need no stinking brain scans!" "Everything that I talk about is based on numbers, is based on studies, which is what you do when you're a scientist. You can actually see demonization in people's brains." Because there have been so many studies done to determine which Crayon colors are demonic. Remember: Mungadze is NOT a scientist. Remember: actual scientists can't see demons for the simple reason that demons are not observable phenomenon. "There's a certain color that I won't mention that tells me if someone is demonized," Mungadze said before revealing that black, brown, and gray, are demonic. I don't know what that says about pastors and priests. I could take a guess. I can be in a room with people who are into the occult who are steeped in demonology, I may not know it just by sitting next to them but I let them do that and I can tell what spirit they have. People that come from the occult, people coming from witchcraft usually blacks and browns and grays. In our example above, imagine those diligent second-graders sitting at their desks, using their 24-Crayon Crayola packs, drawing the human brain. Imagine their teacher, walking behind them, signaling to the unseen camera which students are hosting demons. Imagine parents, terrified, with no court of appeal, because to argue with Church authorities is to signal one's own possession by demons. He's the "expert." Imagine this sort of testimony standing up in court, a judge not in judge's but in priest's robes. And it will, if the Religious Right has its way.