Introducing The Friday Fox Follies

Welcome to The Friday Fox Follies, a new weekly feature at PoliticusUSA. Each week Headly Westerfield will wrap up the Fox “News” tomfoolery and shenanigans (as the dictionary defines those words) into one neat little package with a bow.

Westerfield’s Twitter bio says he’s a “Liberally progressive, sarcastically cynical, iconoclastic polymath.” However, that’s not what makes him uniquely qualified for this assignment. He’s been a professional writer all his life, writing for a plethora of print publications (where words like “plethora,” and grammar gimmicks like alliteration, are appreciated). Paid to jam words together as an Investigative Journalist; Entertainment Reporter; Queen’s Park Correspondent; Record Reviewer; Hollywood Fluffer; Rock and Roll Reporter; and Corporate Shill, Westerfield has often joked, “I’ve done every kind of writing there is, except for Greeting Cards.”

However, it’s his decade as a News Writer at Toronto’s Citytv (which had the highest-rated news shows in Toronto, for those who care) that informs his knowledge of what takes place behind the scenes in a tee vee newsroom.

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When Westerfield moved back to the States, the land of his birth, he was shocked by the Fox “News” Channel. It offended his newsroom sense of fairness and balance. His research of the mendacious channel led him to the documentary Outfoxed, which led to NewsHounds, the motto of which is “We Watch Fox so you don’t have to.” It wasn’t long before he was exposing Fox “News” lies under the trolling nom de plume of Aunty Em Ericann for NewsHounds.

With the April 2012 launch of The Not Now Silly Newsroom, Fox News Snark found its natural habitat. Westerfield’s also the proud owner of The Johnny Dollar Depreciation Society, which captures Fox News Snark in real time. Last year Not Now Silly launched the popular Headlines Du Jour. With too many Fox “News” Headlines Du Jour, Westerfield has agreed to bring his unique look at Fox “News” to PoliticusUSA. Enjoy.

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The workweek ended with Fox “News” personalities in high dudgeon because President Obama, in taking a mild jab, told the truth about the channel’s Affordable Care Act coverage. Fox “News” attacks Obama 24/7, but if Obama Mocks Fox for Making Obamacare into ‘Fanged Threat’ to Freedom, Foxites howl so loud Andrew Breitbart came this close to coming back from the dead. Media Matters captures the befuddlement: “Obama Calls Out Fox News For ACA Myths, Fox News Wonders Why.”

The new game being played at Fox “News” appears to be called “How outrageous can you get without having to apologize?” Last week Bully Boy Bolling lost. He was not only forced to apologize, but forced to apologize twice. Not content to rest on his laurels, Bolling took his never-ending feud with Jon Stewart to new heights of ridiculousness. Proving how thin-skinned and adept at lying he can be, “Fox’s Bolling Makes Stuff Up To Get Even With Stewart And Colbert Making Fun Of Him.”

There are 2 other contenders this week. Both Andrea Tantaros, aka The Tarantula, and Tucker Carlson, aka The Whiniest Douche on tee vee, are vying hard to jump on the Fox “News” Apology Tour. Among the garbage spewed by Tantaros are these gems: Racist Fox Troll Claims African Ebola Patients Will Seek Out ‘Witch Doctors’ For Treatment and the victim blaming Fox Host: College Sex Education Week Should Include “How Not To … Blackout In A Fraternity House.

The Whiniest Douche wins, though. During the week Tucker said he was “Waiting For Obama To Deny OK Beheader Is A Muslim.” That’s the least of it. Sunday the Foxy Friends attacked the Global Poverty Project, by creating a straw man. The ‘happy poverty talk’ immediately pivoted into an anti-Global Warming rant because: litter. [Have they ever seen the detritus after the St. Patrick’s Day parade? The glitter following a Pride parade?] Within this already off-topic tangent, Carlson added a bizarre personal rant. He’ll dismiss Global Warming, but hates litterers! Just hates them!!! But, that’s when his humanity finally kicked in: Tucker Carlson Ponders Death Penalty For Poor People Who Litter: ‘Probably Too Strong’.

Those are just the appetizers. Here is why Tucker Carlson should apologize ahead of anyone else at Fox “News” this week:

Among all the regular dog whistles, Tuck blew his the loudest. Buried in this Media Matters post, These Fox Figures’ Suggestions For Best Voting Practices Sound Similar To Jim Crow Laws (dog whistles galore), is this little rhetorical gem:

“I don’t think as a general matter you should be encouraging people who don’t know anything about what they’re voting for to vote. That’s what the Democrats do, giving Newports to the homeless to get them to the polls. That’s literally true. Republicans shouldn’t follow suit on that. You shouldn’t pander to people.”

I call BS! No matter what search terms I throw into Der Googlizer, I cannot find a single report of Democrats “literally” giving cigarettes to the homeless to get them to vote. But, that’s not the dog whistle. Carlson’s lie is a rare two-fer because buried within the lie is a loud dog whistle. Don’t take my word for it. Plug “Newports” and “Black” into Google and it returns 89,300,000 hits. While I didn’t check them all, the first 89 million appeared to be along the lines of Black people: why do we like Newports so much? and Study: Newport Marketed Cigarettes Directly to Black Kids. There’s a direct correlation between Black folk and Newports and if Tucker Carlson wasn’t purposely blowing a dog whistle, I’ll dig up Breitbart myself.

The Falafel King, Bill O’Reilly, is in a class by himself and never apologizes. There’s no competition between him and the rest of Fox “News” [unless one describes the glee no-longer preggy Leggy Meggy feels now that her show occasionally trumps his in the ratings]. Loofah Lad is still licking the wounds received in the Mercenary Army Wars following his whack-a-doodle brainfart that a mercenary army could defeat ISIS in Iraq, leaving the YEW ESS EH’s hands clean. Forgetting the adage “When you’re fighting with a comedian you are already losing,” Bill O’Reilly Throws a Temper Tantrum After Stephen Colbert Mocked His Mercenary Army Plan. Of course, that left the door open for return fire from Colbert:

Also expect return fire from Loofah Lad now that actual Historians Rip O’Reilly’s New Patton Book. You just know that a headline like O’Reilly’s ‘Killing Patton’ Book Panned By Historians is troll bait to such a “f*cking egomaniac.” The loofah’s in your shower, Bill.

This barely scratches the surface. Little sister auditions to sit at the Right Hand of God: Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Atheists Can’t Take Away ‘RIGHT’ To Say ‘Under God’ In Pledge. Scare-mongering: Fox’s Jeanine Pirro Warns Viewers To Prep For ISIS Invasion With Ammo And Prayer. Everybody’s favourite Hapless Liberal: For 2nd Time This Week, a Bob Beckel Rant Gets Bleeped on The Five.

However, we’ll let a well-known tee vee critic have the last word: Monty Python’s John Cleese: FOX News People Are Too Stupid to Know They Are Stupid. Join us next week for another exciting episode of Friday Fox Follies.