Republican Party

Satan Ate My Government! The Fundamentalist Addiction to Satan

Last updated on February 7th, 2013 at 05:54 pm

Dominionist Rick Joyner of MorningStar Ministries and the Oak Initiative in all his prophetic wisdom is worried about his imaginary friend Satan using “useful idiots” to destroy America. I’m more concerned about useless idiots, to be quite honest, and fundamentalist Christians have proven time and again they don’t need any super(stitious) powers to screw things up; they’re quite capable of doing that on their own with very mundane levels of human intelligence, and I mean VERY mundane.

Watch the video from Right Wing Watch:

This obsession with Satan is really unhealthy. I mean, it’s nice to have invisible friends when you are a kid but aren’t you supposed to grow out of it? Joyner is bad enough but how about that other useless idiot (I know, there are so many), disgraced Navy Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt, who thinks gay demons possess animals, explaining the thousands of animal species that exhibit gay behavior in violation of “Nature’s Law” and “God’s will.” You gotta admit, that Satan guy is pretty clever; probably cleverer than Klingenschmitt. At least I’ve never heard of Satan saying something quite that stupid.

Or how about that other useless idiot, James Dobson, who blames environmentalism on Satan? What!? Satan cares about the environment? Isn’t that kinda counter-intuitive? I mean, God makes the world for humans to live on but only Satan gives a damn what happens to it? Really? Well, yeah, I guess, according to Dobson: “It just seems to me that there’s something Satanic about this.”

It’s a real idiot’s parade when you get right down to it: Rick Santorum saying that Satan is “systematically” destroying America; Pat Robertson saying Satan is behind homosexuality and women’s reproductive rights;  and that King of Idiots Bryan Fischer spewing last year that when the personhood amendment was defeated in Mississippi by unexpectedly sane voters it was a victory for Satan; Right Wing Watch recently reported that “conservative columnist and frequent Fox News guest Jesse Lee Peterson” said Obama is not a Christian and is being aided by Satan and that Satan wants to crush religion in a real bad-ass destructive sorta way.

Satan complex much?

And of course for dominionists, probably the most idiotic of idiots, government, the economy and the media are all occupied by Satan. This Satan thing gives a whole new meaning to the word occupy, which suggests a possible slogan for fundamentalists: Occupy Satan.  I mean, if he’s gonna occupy people and animals, occupy his ass right back, right? That should be an especially attractive prospect for Catholic priests. Speaking of occupying things, turns out the reason the occupy movement exists at all is because it is Satan in control of Wall Street, not fundamentalist Christians.

I’m no shrink but I really think it’s a sort of Satan-envy they’re dealing with here.  Maybe they just want to have big bone boners like Satan so they can really lord it over all those uppity women.

Speaking of women – idiotic women I mean – Cindy Jacobs says Satan wants to “destroy God’s model for the family and install tyranny”.  I dunno…that patriarchal model sounds pretty tyrannical to me. My guess is if you poll thousands of years of wives and daughters, they’d agree with me.

Oh! Mormons are satanic too! I mean, look at that Mitt Romney! (WND’s Joey Farah says Romney is worse than Satan!). And cripes, even Catholics ain’t safe; Robert Jeffress says it’s Satan who is behind Roman Catholicism (ok, kinda inclined to agree with him there – I mean it would take a Satan to come up with genius ideas like crusades and inquisitions)…and as of the end of 2011 Satan really had it in for Rod Parsley, attacking his ministry’s finances for three years in a row.

And boy does Satan hate Sarah Palin! Just ask Bryan Fischer, who said last year that “We are looking into the face of Satan himself” when Palin is attacked. She is Esther reborn, after all: what’s not to hate?

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! What’s next?

Well, I’ll tell you: Satan apparently (at least as of last year) was reigning in Haiti, according to Pat Robertson. I guess a guy has to have a place of residence besides a Catholic priest’s pants. I’m kinda surprised he isn’t living in Salt Lake City or Mecca, given Fischer’s claim that Satan has deceived both Mormons and Muslims (maybe he just hates “M” religions?). Well, maybe there is something to the “M” thing – Rick Joyner has already warned that “there is actually an attempt to make Michigan our first Muslim state“.

Of course, that doesn’t explain what Joyner says is happening with California – remember when he warned that California is all but lost to us – California and the rest of the West Coast – and that we are about to witness a “demonic, Nazi takeover of the United States”? By all the gods above and below, there must a f*ckton of demons if they can populate not only thousands of species of animals – literally millions of animals – plus California too!

Lou Engle, the scary Jesus Camp guy, wants to break Satan’s control over our government but honestly I’d just like to break the fundamentalist addiction to Satan. Is there a 12-step program?

You get the impression that if we banned the word “Satan” that not only would the rest of us all be a lot happier but that fundamentalists wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Satan is a nice crutch for them. I mean, you can pray Satan away but you can’t pray away real problems, that is, problems that actually do exist. Just doesn’t work. Like that terrific scheme to lower gas prices back to a buck or whatever it was.

But Satan…what better way to get rid of an imaginary enemy than with imaginary super(stitious) powers? It’s a match made in…heaven?

After all, it’s not because we invaded and proceeded to f*ck up by the numbers our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq that we couldn’t win either war: it’s Satan! Just ask John Hagee. It’s that damn Pagan plot to take over America and destroy Christianity (don’t ask me about our top secret plans, I’m sworn to secrecy). Hell, if we just get rid of that Satanic influence and reinstate DADT we can invade Iran with impunity I’m sure! Three’s the charm, right?

I won’t even get into the logic here, that the South must have lost to the North in the Civil War because they were gay, or at least gayer than the Yankees and that those fairy Crusaders lost to the Muslims even after nine crusades. What does that say about the Popes who sent them?

And who knew Satan was all about religious freedom? If so, I might have to add him to the pantheon. Sounds a lot more useful than the clown Hagee worships.

Okay…well, these nutty monotheists invented Satan in the first place so I had to admit there is a possibility they know more about him. On the other hand, I’m the guy who knows that the snake in the Garden of Eden was just a damn snake; it took a Christian to turn him into Satan. Sounds to me like somebody (a lot of somebodies) have taken a ride on the crazy train. I just wish that train didn’t keep circling around the rest of us.

Hrafnkell Haraldsson

Hrafnkell Haraldsson, a social liberal with leanings toward centrist politics has degrees in history and philosophy. His interests include, besides history and philosophy, human rights issues, freedom of choice, religion, and the precarious dichotomy of freedom of speech and intolerance. He brings a slightly different perspective to his writing, being that he is neither a follower of an Abrahamic faith nor an atheist but a polytheist, a modern-day Heathen who follows the customs and traditions of his Norse ancestors. He maintains his own blog, A Heathen's Day, which deals with Heathen and Pagan matters, and Mos Maiorum Foundation, dedicated to ethnic religion. He has also contributed to NewsJunkiePost, GodsOwnParty and Pagan+Politics.

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