Satan Ate My Government! The Fundamentalist Addiction to Satan

satan01Dominionist Rick Joyner of MorningStar Ministries and the Oak Initiative in all his prophetic wisdom is worried about his imaginary friend Satan using “useful idiots” to destroy America. I’m more concerned about useless idiots, to be quite honest, and fundamentalist Christians have proven time and again they don’t need any super(stitious) powers to screw things up; they’re quite capable of doing that on their own with very mundane levels of human intelligence, and I mean VERY mundane.

Watch the video from Right Wing Watch:

This obsession with Satan is really unhealthy. I mean, it’s nice to have invisible friends when you are a kid but aren’t you supposed to grow out of it? Joyner is bad enough but how about that other useless idiot (I know, there are so many), disgraced Navy Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt, who thinks gay demons possess animals, explaining the thousands of animal species that exhibit gay behavior in violation of “Nature’s Law” and “God’s will.” You gotta admit, that Satan guy is pretty clever; probably cleverer than Klingenschmitt. At least I’ve never heard of Satan saying something quite that stupid.

Or how about that other useless idiot, James Dobson, who blames environmentalism on Satan? What!? Satan cares about the environment? Isn’t that kinda counter-intuitive? I mean, God makes the world for humans to live on but only Satan gives a damn what happens to it? Really? Well, yeah, I guess, according to Dobson: “It just seems to me that there’s something Satanic about this.”

It’s a real idiot’s parade when you get right down to it: Rick Santorum saying that Satan is “systematically” destroying America; Pat Robertson saying Satan is behind homosexuality and women’s reproductive rights;  and that King of Idiots Bryan Fischer spewing last year that when the personhood amendment was defeated in Mississippi by unexpectedly sane voters it was a victory for Satan; Right Wing Watch recently reported that “conservative columnist and frequent Fox News guest Jesse Lee Peterson” said Obama is not a Christian and is being aided by Satan and that Satan wants to crush religion in a real bad-ass destructive sorta way.

Satan complex much?

And of course for dominionists, probably the most idiotic of idiots, government, the economy and the media are all occupied by Satan. This Satan thing gives a whole new meaning to the word occupy, which suggests a possible slogan for fundamentalists: Occupy Satan.  I mean, if he’s gonna occupy people and animals, occupy his ass right back, right? That should be an especially attractive prospect for Catholic priests. Speaking of occupying things, turns out the reason the occupy movement exists at all is because it is Satan in control of Wall Street, not fundamentalist Christians.

I’m no shrink but I really think it’s a sort of Satan-envy they’re dealing with here.  Maybe they just want to have big bone boners like Satan so they can really lord it over all those uppity women.

Speaking of women – idiotic women I mean – Cindy Jacobs says Satan wants to “destroy God’s model for the family and install tyranny”.  I dunno…that patriarchal model sounds pretty tyrannical to me. My guess is if you poll thousands of years of wives and daughters, they’d agree with me.

Oh! Mormons are satanic too! I mean, look at that Mitt Romney! (WND’s Joey Farah says Romney is worse than Satan!). And cripes, even Catholics ain’t safe; Robert Jeffress says it’s Satan who is behind Roman Catholicism (ok, kinda inclined to agree with him there – I mean it would take a Satan to come up with genius ideas like crusades and inquisitions)…and as of the end of 2011 Satan really had it in for Rod Parsley, attacking his ministry’s finances for three years in a row.

And boy does Satan hate Sarah Palin! Just ask Bryan Fischer, who said last year that “We are looking into the face of Satan himself” when Palin is attacked. She is Esther reborn, after all: what’s not to hate?

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! What’s next?

Well, I’ll tell you: Satan apparently (at least as of last year) was reigning in Haiti, according to Pat Robertson. I guess a guy has to have a place of residence besides a Catholic priest’s pants. I’m kinda surprised he isn’t living in Salt Lake City or Mecca, given Fischer’s claim that Satan has deceived both Mormons and Muslims (maybe he just hates “M” religions?). Well, maybe there is something to the “M” thing – Rick Joyner has already warned that “there is actually an attempt to make Michigan our first Muslim state“.

Of course, that doesn’t explain what Joyner says is happening with California – remember when he warned that California is all but lost to us – California and the rest of the West Coast – and that we are about to witness a “demonic, Nazi takeover of the United States”? By all the gods above and below, there must a f*ckton of demons if they can populate not only thousands of species of animals – literally millions of animals – plus California too!

Lou Engle, the scary Jesus Camp guy, wants to break Satan’s control over our government but honestly I’d just like to break the fundamentalist addiction to Satan. Is there a 12-step program?

You get the impression that if we banned the word “Satan” that not only would the rest of us all be a lot happier but that fundamentalists wouldn’t have anything to talk about. Satan is a nice crutch for them. I mean, you can pray Satan away but you can’t pray away real problems, that is, problems that actually do exist. Just doesn’t work. Like that terrific scheme to lower gas prices back to a buck or whatever it was.

But Satan…what better way to get rid of an imaginary enemy than with imaginary super(stitious) powers? It’s a match made in…heaven?

After all, it’s not because we invaded and proceeded to f*ck up by the numbers our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq that we couldn’t win either war: it’s Satan! Just ask John Hagee. It’s that damn Pagan plot to take over America and destroy Christianity (don’t ask me about our top secret plans, I’m sworn to secrecy). Hell, if we just get rid of that Satanic influence and reinstate DADT we can invade Iran with impunity I’m sure! Three’s the charm, right?

I won’t even get into the logic here, that the South must have lost to the North in the Civil War because they were gay, or at least gayer than the Yankees and that those fairy Crusaders lost to the Muslims even after nine crusades. What does that say about the Popes who sent them?

And who knew Satan was all about religious freedom? If so, I might have to add him to the pantheon. Sounds a lot more useful than the clown Hagee worships.

Okay…well, these nutty monotheists invented Satan in the first place so I had to admit there is a possibility they know more about him. On the other hand, I’m the guy who knows that the snake in the Garden of Eden was just a damn snake; it took a Christian to turn him into Satan. Sounds to me like somebody (a lot of somebodies) have taken a ride on the crazy train. I just wish that train didn’t keep circling around the rest of us.

21 Replies to “Satan Ate My Government! The Fundamentalist Addiction to Satan”

  1. Harf, you’ve out done yourself this time, and, ya’ know, Satan won’t be happy with yewwww….

    I’ve always thought that their addiction was to a god-figure. I have written about this premise and used all the tools at my exposure to present my premise; but, you’re right and I’m wrong…Or, they’ve changed course. Perhaps they WERE addicted to their Man-Jesus desert belief, but changed when they weren’t getting the results they were looking for…or nobody believed them…ummm, wonder why?

    Now, that they’re hoppin’ mad and not going to take it any more so, their best course of action is dis- conformation, which supports Leon Fesstinger’s theories.

    http://en.wikipedia.or/wiki/When_Prophecy_Fails [scroll down to Premise of Study].

    Assuming they’re not into “customer service survey’s” (as in, how’s Jesus doing? is he workin’for’ya?), they’ve opted blaming Satan for they’re failed “business model” better known as selling their product to the non-believers…for some reason, this model just hasn’t worked…gosh

    Instead of taking blame and being responsibility for their doings, they blame their invisible foe and go right back into their addictive rituals.

    You’re right Harf, they are addicted to Satan, not their main man. I’ll get busy on that 12-Step Program right away (maybe just 4-5 steps as they’re not real, you know, bright).

  2. If these guys are so eager to save us from Hell, why don’t they go there? Meanwhile, your Satan model looks like a devilishly fine chef.

  3. I find this so hilarious when people talk about two entities, God and Satan, who wield vast powers between them and are so inept at doing their jobs.

    God allows Satan free reign to do what he wants just to test us po people. of course if we pass the test we go to heaven and if we don’t we go to hell. Neither of which exist.

    it’s even funnier watching people use a nonexistent character called Satan to scare the trembling believers to get into line. I wonder if this could be called a little power trip? Or a big one.

    If people sat down for a second and thought about this God and Satan thing, They would know just how absolutely hilarious it is and how insane you have to be to believe in it. And then these conservative idiots would have absolutely no hold over you by condemning you for doing the devil’s work while they themselves are doing the devil’s work.

  4. Such a shame…shouldn’t these people instead be paying more attention to what their main man Jesus would prescribe?

    Oh, that’s right…that would mean being kind, helping the sick, and selling their earthly posessions to help the poor.

    Not so Christian are these people, more like ignorant, bigoted ninniyhammers (who, evidently, have never read the bible).

  5. But…but….but, if you REPEAT something often enough it becomes TRUE…Right? Sure it does! SRSLY, those of us that are sane KNOW there is NO God or Satan merely by watching the antics of these IDIOTS~no better explaination. It is a wonder that the Texas educational system isn’t REWRITING the Bible~

  6. And now we know who they really follow…

    Seriously. To use an idea from the Bible – look at their “fruit”… what they do. They focus so hard on evil and blame everything on “Satan”, which means they’re refusing to take responsibility for the harm they do to or for their failures (which are many and almost constant). When they do succeed, innocent people suffer. Yet they don’t see that.

    Then too, we know how much they lie, and another quote from the Bible is that Satan is the father of lies.


    Hraf, you’ve hit this nail right on the head IMO.

  7. Hrafnkell, I always look forward to your posts; you and the commentors here have greatly increased my knowledge and understanding of a religion that has never–even as a young child raised in a devout Christian family–made any sense to me.

    Of all the curious things Christians believe, Satan has always topped my list of most intriguing. The carrot (loving God) and stick (Satan) part, I can understand as a means keeping the faithful in line. Where I’m hazy is how Satan, who seems to start out as a bit of a prankster (similar to “Coyote” in Native American myths)– who makes a bet with God at the expense of poor old Job — over time evolves into pure evil.

    Since Satan and demons seem to figure so prominently in Fundie preaching, would you please consider doing a post on them? And maybe angels, too. Although, they seem like pretty bland pudding compared to the bad guys.

  8. …”But…but….but, if you REPEAT something often enough it becomes TRUE…Right?

    Festinger wrote, “If more and more people can be persuaded that the system of belief is correct, then clearly it must after all be correct.”

    Old Leon was one “kookie-daddio” kind of beat generation guy…but he was smart enough to study the “con” or the grifter mentality that cause human to “bond” in symbiotic relationships (his study is all about a UFO cult who are “conned” into believing the end is near.)

    Symbiotic relationships are supposed to help us adapt and co-mingle, but, unfortunately, this natural, evolutionary process has be manipulated and now has become purposely devolved by the “sub-species”; and they breed…sigh

  9. OMG! – I live in the south and interact with the kind of pea-brains who believe all of this satan crap. It’s really rough going here. These mental midgets are in positions of power at institutions used by the public. It’s so dysfunctional that it is nearly impossible to get through a day without some insane busybody f*cking up simple things.

    I was suspended from my university, MTSU, because these fearful freaks think I’m a terrorist. Some idiot misunderstood some witty remarks I made in complete jest and I have had my financial aid screwed up and it will be difficult for me to get back on track and graduate. I wish I were kidding.

    There’s a saying in the south: “Don’t get smart with me.” They mean it literally. That’s the problem with fundamentalists and a lot of other southerners.

  10. The right wing references Satan because it actually works to manipulate a certain segment of the populous. I think members of the religious right ALWAYS thinks they are voting as God wants them to vote. I should go without saying that such individuals are easily manipulated when god and/or satan are the carrot being waved in their faces.

  11. Thank you, Molly, Singh, Walkaway. I was an LCA Lutheran until I was 21-22, before my epiphany drove me to polytheism and it never made a damn bit of sense to me either, and here me carrying the cross and lighting the candles and my mother on the church council.

    Demons are an interesting topic. Would love to do a piece on them.

    For Satan, while we’re on the subject, I highly recommend Elaine Pagels The Origin of Satan

  12. So I will go there.

    Since we can bet that these folks vote with the GOP I wonder if any of them have noticed that the stars on the GOP logo have been turned, upside down?

    I have no problem believing that there are some seriously sinister folks running around the GOP but these head banger’s should really pay attention to all the signs.

  13. I am sooo looking forward to your post on demons. They were never mentioned by my Lutheran parents, and it came as a bit of a shock to discover that, among some folks of a religious bent, exorcising demons is a high priority item.

    Have ordered Elaine Pagel’s book. Many thanks for the link.

  14. Doesn’t the ubiquitous “Lord’s Prayer” say something about “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”?

    Translated into 21st century English, that reads “Treat us like we treat other people. If we hate them, hate us. Thanks, gawd.”

  15. A side note – two tidbits you might find interesting (if you haven’t heard them before).

    We have our trickster too – Rabbit. The trickster isn’t a nice person, and contains within him (in our culture the trickster is male) all that is reprehensible and to be disliked about the worst in human behavior. That I believe is also the case with Coyote. NOT a “nice” being and always looking for an edge. The trickster sometimes does good, but it’s always an unexpected side effect or outcome of some evil plot.

    Oh, and Job. I keep writing this, hoping that “Good Christians” *who look down on the poor* will read it and check for themselves.

    If you read the book of Job (one of my favorites), the most important line, unlike what the fundie preachers spew, is NOT Job’s statement of faith. That could be cut out and the book would remain intact (and actually truer to some older-than-the-bible versions).

    The line critical to understanding the book is when the voice of authority, God, tells Job’s friends that they haven’s spoken the truth about God as Job did. Then re-read everything that Job and his friends said. It’s enlightening.

    The book is a diatribe against the idea that God punishes people with poverty and suffering and rewards “good” people with wealth and good things.

  16. They are so addicted to Satan they worship him. Do you ever hear any of these people talk about justice for the poor or the oppressed? Seems like they’re doing all the oppression. Damn the gays, damn the poor, damn the atheists.

    I say if you live by fire and brimstone then you will die in fire and brimstone.

    Live by love die by love and be SAVED by love!

  17. During the Reagan administration, they also reversed some other symbols. The buffalo were moved from the left side of the Department of the Interior letterhead to the right; the eagle on the Great Seal was made to look towards the arrows instead of the olive branch. And what have they been doing to us at large? Reversing our values: equality is bad, hierarchy is good; enlightenment is bad, superstition is good; tolerance is bad, bigotry is good; a decent quality of life for everyone is bad, concentration of wealth is good; public eduction is bad…ignorance is strength…war is peace. They do love evil for its own sake. I don’t know the name of what they worship. All I know is… I won’t.

  18. Walkaway, I didn’t know about Rabbit–thanks for sharing. I’ve always enjoyed the Coyote stories. Even though he was a complete rotter, he sometimes got as good as he gave–which makes me wonder if he was the inspiration for Wile E. Coyote of Roadrunner cartoon fame.

    Will definitely check Job out.

  19. You may want to look up the true meaning of “symbiotic relationships”? I understand what you’re trying to say, but your use of symbiotic relationship doesn’t agree with what you’re trying to say. I’m not trying to be critical, just helpful.

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