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God Does Not Want you to Drink Starbucks, Says David Barton

Holy &%$! He's serious!

Holy &%$! He’s serious!

Right. God says stay away from Starbucks. It’s in the Bible. Honest.

David Barton says so.

Just don’t ask Barton which verse it’s in, or what it’s called. You know, that deal that makes Starbucks evil.

C’mon, you didn’t really expect David Barton to know any actual Biblical stuff, did you? Though he was all over that PTSD thing in Numbers…oh wait…nah, never mind. He blew that one too. Yeah, ate the big burrito on biblical PTSD.

After all, Communications Director of the Southern Baptist Convention Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission and editor of the Gospel Coalition blog, Joe Carter, called Barton’s “one of the most profoundly stupid interpretations ever uttered” as well as “Satanic, demonic, gospel destroying.”

But having learned nothing from that scripture-interpretation fiasco, Barton says, God really does NOT want you drinking Starbucks! It’s that “holiness” or “sanctification” thingie, Barton announced yesterday on Wallbuilders Live.

Take a listen courtesy of Right Wing Watch:

God does draw a distinction, sometimes that’s called holiness or sanctification or whatever theological terms you want to use, but there is right behavior and wrong behavior. And one of the things God makes really clear is you’re not to be helping the bad guys advance their agenda which is against God.

Sometimes we do that without realizing that we do it. We’re kind of really ignorant of sometimes the people we help and what they stand for and so we’ve got a guest on today that’s giving us a really high-tech tool to help us understand whether certain companies or groups or people are absolute enemies of God; now, I’m not talking about people who differ with us theologically on this point or that, I’m talking about the whole value system, people who reject God’s value system across the board and if we go help them, then we’re in trouble with God because we’re helping the enemies. It’d be like an act of treason if this were a military term, but to do that spiritually, you can’t go join the enemies of God and expect God to bless you on all the values and all the things he said was right and wrong.

Yeah…good times, right?

A real honest-to-god list of companies God hates. Written by God himself! Oh…wait. Dang.

But really, it is based on some sort of value system. Reject God and he sends tornadoes after Illinois and destroys towns full of Christians.

‘Course, he missed my Heathen ass. Hid in the basement for a half hour, golf ball-sized hail pounded my car without leaving a scratch, and the big bad finger of God passed me by to wipe out somebody else.

Illinois Tornado

Eleven twisters. People were hurt. Homes were destroyed. Six people were killed. Six people, apparently, who gave offense to God by living in the wrong state. Look, anywhere you touch a tornado down in Central Illinois you’re going to hit a Christian. You literally can’t miss.

I’m not making light of this tragedy. I’m furious. Who could look at these kids, Christian or otherwise, running around, laughing and playing, and think God wants to kill them because Illinois is going to allow marriage equality?

Fox News is angry that Costco labeled the Bible as fiction but doesn’t care that a conservative Catholic group says those tornadoes were God’s punishment of Illinois.

And meanwhile, treasonous ole me. I mean, I’m not wearing a Confederate hat and demanding Obama come out of the White House and surrender…

Klayman Rally

…I’m just exercising my constitutional freedoms. But we’re the ones guilty of treason…

Hmmm. Yeah, it’s that old Constitution thing tripping you up again, isn’t it David? I can call you David, right? I mean, that’s the name God used in the Bible in that verse where he called you a big weenie butt. It’s right next to that verse that says not to patronize Starbucks.

Yeah, you know the one. Go check it out. And while you’re at it, put your Bible away and never pick it up again. It’s clearly above your reading comprehension level.

Meanwhile, I’m going to hop down to Starbucks and have a Trenta iced green tea lemonade with raspberry and think about what a sad excuse for a Christian you are. Seriously, I can hear Jesus crying.

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