Mitt for President – He’s Got Your Position Covered

mitt romney(Note to conservative readers: the following is satire – HH)

The Republican Party has already made Mitt Romney the face of 2014. Just three days ago, the Wall Street Journal declared Mitt Romney to be “back in demand,” smooching old ladies and dumping ice water over the would-be royal brow. Two days ago the New York Post explained “why Mitt Romney may again be the GOP’s next great hope.”

Now, according to the Iowa Poll, Mitt Romney could run for president in 2016 with a reasonable chance of success, easily the frontrunner for Iowa Republicans. Why? Because these folks know that if they have a position, Mitt is right there with them. No matter what their position is!

That’s right! Mitt has positions on everything! In fact, Mitt has multiple positions on everything. And all the while, he is as constant as the Northern Star. No need to take my word for it. Just ask him!

Why, on November 3, 2011, Mitt said,

I think you’ll find that I’ve been as consistent as human beings can be as I look at those issues and as I try to apply those principles to government.

If he runs, you simply have to vote for my man Mitt, because whatever your position, Mitt shares it. Let’s look at a few examples.

Think we need universal health care? Mitt’s right there with you:

On January 14, 2008 he was happy to point out that in Massachusetts he “was able to put in place a plan that helped get health insurance premiums down, and gets all of our citizens ensured. If we can do that nationally, we help…the entire nation.”

Hate universal health care? So does Mitt! On July 4, 2011, Mitt said, “One thing I’d never do would be impose a state’s plan on the entire nation, that makes no sense. I’ll repeal Obamacare.”

What a guy! How can you beat this versatility? You can’t!

On October 18, 2011, he told his fellow Republican presidential hopefuls,

“At the time I crafted the plan in the last campaign, I was asked is this something you would have the hole nation do, and I said no. This is something that was crafted for Massachusetts. It would be wrong to adopt this as a nation.”

And illegal immigration? Do you feel sympathy for those who came here illegally?

That’s great! So does Mitt! On December 16, 2007, he said that “the 12 million or so that are here illegally, should be able to sign up for permanent residency or citizenship.”

Think they all ought to just get the heck out? So does Mitt! On November 22, 2011, Mitt stood right up in front of America and said,


Flip-flop you say? Well,, let Mitt tell you something: Mitt himself said back on 2007 that, “If you’re looking for someone who’s never changed any positions on any policies, then I’m not your guy.”

Mitt not only has your bases covered, he has his bases covered.

Scott Reed, who strategizes for the US Chamber of Commerce, says that “Romney can’t be dismissed as the guy who lost last time. You watch him on TV these days, and he’s a new guy with total command of the issues and a real presence. ”

And he has! Other candidates might blame Obama for 9/11 or for the Iraq War. But Mitt can do better than that! Look how he has already pinned the blame for ISIL, a group whose origins ultimately reach all the way back to an internal Islamic crisis in the seventh century between what came to be called Sunnis and Shiites, on President Obama.

Now that is command of the issues!

It’s amazing what money can buy you, isn’t it! And Mitt has money to spare. That makes him better than all the rest of us, so we should listen to him. Don’t listen to Rolling Stone. The people Mitt screwed with his private equity firm need to take personal responsibility for their poor decision-making!

The WSJ knows, like Fox News and , what we Republicans need to hear to feel good about ourselves:

“Without all that negative advertising trained on him like there was in 2012, as he’s promoted other candidates, he has really found his voice and flourished,” said Republican strategist Kevin Madden, who has advised Mr. Romney’s campaigns.

Not so fast, Mr. Madden. Those mean old Democrats want to cast Mitt in a negative light again. Democratic National Committee spokesman Michael Czin pointed his finger at the Republican Party when he said that, “They haven’t learned from their mistakes. The fact that they now are looking to Romney as a remedy shows how weak the party is.”

But we have learned from our mistakes! Mitt has learned from his!

Mitt is not, as Vanity Fair refers to him, the “1 percent solution.” He is quite literally every man’s solution.

44 Replies to “Mitt for President – He’s Got Your Position Covered”

  1. I wonder if he has changed his position on the importance of serving your country in the military for all the Romney boys.

  2. This man literally believes in the supernatural treasure hunting con man Joseph Smith. The moronic Mormon religion is nothing but another christian pyramid scam that prey on little girl’s. He will be lynched at the poll booth again, so please run.

  3. I don’t think I could take another 17 months of lies every single day. The man has a special place in hell just waiting for him.

  4. I know everyone here realizes that we need to purge our government of the conservative influence, but the ignorance of Republican voters is beyond explanation.

    I live in Southern Illinois near Kentucky and people here are very much right-wing and you cannot reason with most of them no matter what information you have to present.

    I have been seeing mostly ads from McConnell until yesterday (big lies) but Allison Grimes is now hitting McConnell pretty hard with some new ads.

    I don’t hold out much hope for changing enough conservative minds, so this election cycle will come down to Democratic turnout.

    I am encouraging all Democrats I know to not be apathetic and to get out and vote and bring like-minded friends with them.

    I will say that I do know a few more reasonable people who are Republicans and they are starting to catch on, so there is hope.

  5. Anything would be better than what has been happening these last 6 years. . . less transparency in government. . . almost a 100% increase in the National Debt. . . . loss of integrity in the eyes of world governments. . . at least 25% of Americans collecting government subsidies to survive. . . . weakening military while the world gets more dangerous. . . more part-time than full-time jobs created. . . the cost of the ACA has increased, increasing the taxpayer cost. . . and as an old soldier, I know I could not trust Hillary Clinton to have my back. . . .

  6. Sorry Hraf. This isn’t satire, it’s all too true. There is little about the GOPTP that legitimately can be satirized because they live in that alternate reality & nothing, but nothing is too bizarre for them to say or do.

  7. I’ve been sayin’ it the WHOLE
    time, He’s runnin’!
    He & Ann & the Romney Klan.
    They’re not used to being told, NO!
    & mitt can’t understand…….

    He’s like the guy who has been rejected repeatedly by a girl he’s stalking and has convinced himself that if she could just see how good he is for her she’d love him. America might have to file for a restraining order.

  8. You are so full of shit its no wonder the kochs keep making money to wipe all fecal that just came out of your head. First all my know nothing bagger most of that debt comes from the wars your cod piece wearing I want to have a beer with former President and I would like to add in paying for Medicare part D. The ACA has saved money. Dammint man cant you read? How Obamacare Will Save The Federal Government $190 Billion

  9. dandini. Please explain why as an old soldier you know you could not trust Hillary to have your back. Be sure to back your reasoning with citations to credible sources.

    We’ll wait patiently as you collect your thoughts and facts.

  10. All of your claims were going on way before the current president. Looks like you were born again yesterday, please smoke another rock. As for Hillary, you are so ignorant that you didn’t even know you are being sidetracked by a decoy. Just keep collecting your check and pat yourself on the back.

  11. If it wasn’t for Satan being called the Father of lies, Mitt Romney would fit the bill. In fact there’s not much difference. A vote for Mitt would be like voting for the devil. The least thing that this country needs is a phony President and a snooty tooty first lady. So they can take themselves, family and money and go back to hell!

  12. Maybe the American electoral process can get a restraining order against stalker Mitt… On the other hand he still trails Ron Paul, Lyndon LaRouche and Ralph Nader in the category of those who wouldn’t take “Go Away” as an answer.

  13. Whether “hole nation” was an intentional pun or a Freudian slip, it sure defines those non-1%ers that support Rmoney perfectly.

  14. Hello??? All I can surmise is that you are an old bitter white guy. Millions of women will never vote for repubs. Our future is threatened by repubs 24/7.
    Do you know any women? I find folks like you clueless as to who we are as a country. History will be very unkind to repubs. You and your ilk have been brainwashed and propagandized for the last 30+ years. No wonder young folks think you are all nuts. I think dangerous also describes you folks too.

  15. MItt’s tendency to flip-flop on his policy positions is somewhat akin to coherent superposition in the field of quantum mechanics. In much the same way that light is both a particle and a wave, Mitt Romney is both a moderate and a conservative, depending on the situation.
    It is not that he is one or the other; it is not that he is one and then the other. He is both at the same time.

    However, what type of political ideology Romney displays at any given moment will depend on the audience’s expectations — what he thinks you want to see is what you’ll get.

  16. TerryLF thanks for the update. I’m in NY, so I have no idea what states like KY are thinking. I do know the latest poll shows McConnell leading Grimes.

    Unbelievable…I did not want to think that many people were that ignorant, but I guess it is so.

  17. How exciting identical “TWINS” in the White House. Mr. DINO and Mr. RINO will be for all people, what a pair they will make.

    He is the definition of SOCIOPATH in the DSM-IV manual.

  18. How pathetic is it that our politics are in such sad circumstances that Mitt Romney is the best they have to offer?

  19. Yeah, sad that Mitt is the best they have, but you know what is even worse?

    Mitt would be happy to win the Presidency by default!..He wouldn’t care, that’s how pathetic it is.

  20. The evangelical movement is the anti-Christ movement, they are the people they keep warning us about, they are just to blind to see the truth.

  21. As an old soldier, why would you not trust Mrs. Clinton to have your back? Would you rather have a Republican (s), who refused to increase money to the VA while supporting tax cuts for the rich without paying for them? The Republicans back the military while they’re at war, but refuse to care for the soldiers who need care when they come home from those wars. Don’t you finally get it? They don’t care for us soldiers, just the war machine and military contractors.

  22. The blind standing in line to follow the blind. Not possible since they are all blind and can seeing the line. Then the blind following a lying voice for sure. Mitt is truly a false prophet that seems to be like an ever ready battery when it comes to them blind republicans that can’t find an effective leader that can tell the truth.

  23. Nope, he will go through HIS “binders of women” to find the right female running-mate to entice the NATIONS “binders of women”.

  24. A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar. The bartender walks over and asks, “Hey, Mitt. What are ya havin’ today?”

  25. Its not satire, it is the truth, the hateful, hate filled, hate mongering, lying republican federal tax evading liar Romney, is everything that is wrong with America. There is nothing Romney or republican that stands for America. He should be in prison for federal income tax evasion, and the death of tens of thousands of American jobs for his own personal and corporate greed. Romney or republican, not wanted, not needed, not relevant.

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