An Angry God’s Wrath Falls on Tampa Bay

Last updated on August 27th, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Rut roh!

As expected, God has struck down the infidel defilers of the Republican Party, sending his wrath against Tampa and delaying the start of the Republican convention. Is it only coincidence that the tropical storm that his his instrument is named “Isaac” – after the son of the Biblical Abraham, a name which means “he laughs”?

The Republican National Convention was forced to cancel its entire first day on account of their angry deity, which set more than a few to snickering. Instead it will convene Monday – or at least, that is the plan. According to Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus,

“Due to the severe weather reports for the Tampa Bay area, the Republican National Convention will convene on Monday August 27th and immediately recess until Tuesday afternoon, August 28th. After consulting with Governor Scott, NOAA and local emergency management officials, we are optimistic that we will begin an exciting, robust convention that will nominate the Romney-Ryan ticket.”

Optimistic, are we? Not listening to God, are we?

Isn’t that supposedly the sin of liberals? Not listening to God? Here you get a perfectly obvious hint and you toss it aside.

Who knows if these sinners will even make it to Monday? Issac may be the key to God’s return, right out of Luke: ”At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory.” We could have a New World Order by Monday. Isn’t that what the GOP has been telling us all along?

Mr. Etch A Sketch Mitt Romney had a tweet for the ages: ”The safety of those in Isaac’s path is of the utmost importance. I applaud those in Tampa making appropriate schedule changes.” If ever abrupt changes had a cheerleader it was Mitt Romney.

But look, this much has been made clear by Republican holy men leading up to this shindig: God hates Mormons and if Republican officials would listen to their holy men this whole disaster could have been avoided.

By Saturday afternoon, God’s wrath was sporting gusts up to 60 mph with 70 mph – those winds are expected to be at 100  mph – full hurricane force – when Isaac extends his fingers of doom to the Panhandle.  The Florida Keys are under a hurricane warning.

Sure, as Rick Scott, governor of Florida said to reporters, “This is a state that has dealt with hurricanes forever. We are a state that we know we have to get prepared for hurricanes.”

But do you know what it’s like to get prepared for God’s wrath? Are you prepared to make the changes required to your party’s platform? This is classic Old Testament, Rick; God is about to slap that smile off your face.

Republicans brag that the convention represents a “shot in the arm“  for Tampa’s economy but isn’t it truer to say they are bringing the wrath of God down on an innocent city?

Republicans, believers that they are, apparently just don’t get the hint – they actually think God is still on their side. The Washington Post reports that Dianne Joachim, a native of New Richmond, Wisc. “was in town for her first convention and vowed not to let Isaac ruin it. ‘I just figure God’s got this.'”

Um, yeah God’s got this. You betcha you cheesey idolator!

It’s laissez faire attitudes like this that got Sodom and Gomorrah toasted, babee. I’ve got it on good authority that Wisconsin Republicans are high on the divine short list of those God is particularly pissed at. The only thing worse at this point in a Michigan Republican (emergency managers are so NOT Biblical – what did they expect?)

The Washington Post report makes it sound like business as usual:

When the storm hits, strong winds will be “enough to knock you over” and produce severe thunderstorms, National Hurricane Center spokesman Dennis Feltgen said.

Storm surge and tornadoes also are possible when Isaac hits, and winds could topple power lines and lead to lengthy power outages, Feltgen said. The Panhandle already has had a wet summer, so potential flooding was especially possible there.

You can’t ask a meteorologist to predict God’s wrath, let alone to put limits on it. You need a wrathologist. We’ve had that drilled into us for months and years by Republican holy men. God’s wrath cannot be quantified by science. So yo, shut up Dennis Feltgen and stick to what you know or you’re going to find yourself in need of some ice underwear. God don’t kid around about these things.

I truly do feel bad about all the souls that may be lost but God did give humankind free will, the power to consign their eternal souls to the torment of hell. Just one prayer, O Lord: As you consign them to the hellfires of damnation don’t let them tell you we didn’t warn them, okay?

A strategist (probably head of the Etch A Sketch planning committee), Russ Schriefer, said: “I think we will absolutely be able to get our message out.”  That’s fine Russ. God has already gotten His message out.

Image from USAToday

Hrafnkell Haraldsson

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