Republicans Are Idiots – But Kirk Cameron’s Movie Officially Sucks So Cheer Up

Saving_Christmas_Poster

It’s Sunday, and you know what that means. Football and a Sunday sermon. America, we have a genuine Shakespearean winter of discontent to wallow in, but, kind of like Henry’s, it is “made glorious.” Or at least less gloomy. I mean, if not an actual sun there is a glimmer of a hint of a sun on the horizon. I mean, I’ve heard about the sun. From somebody who said they knew somebody who saw it.

Frequently, I realize I cannot begin to think how to respond to some of the things I am hearing. I am literally made speechless. Really, I could not write this stuff and if you had read half of it in a book twenty years ago, you’d never have believed America could go crazy, that one of our two main political parties could collectively take a jump off the deep end into some bizarre La-La Land simply because reality had become unbearable.

I mean, once upon a time Republicans actually tried to legislate stuff based on our shared reality. Now they say they didn’t get elected to actually legislate stuff, and if they can be bothered to write legislation, its based on a bunch of stuff they made up.

I’m not trying to make Hitler comparisons here and violate the sanctity of Godwin’s Law, but it occurs to me too that this must have been what it was like to be a sane German in 1933. The poor bastards must have stood there wringing their hands and going, “Was verdammt!” They must, like we ourselves, thought they had suddenly found themselves in a madhouse, and the inmates were accusing THEM of being insane. I suddenly feel their pain.

We’ve watched it happen. Bush got himself elected and the neighborhood went to hell in a hand basket. I mean, in a New York minute. It’s been all downhill from there. And no, Bush was not the cause of all this. The man didn’t have the wit to punch his way out of a wet paper bag or to find his backside with without Dick Cheney’s help.

Sorry for that image. Some of you might be eating breakfast and I think I even threw up a little in my own mouth. But his presidency seemed to unlock the doors to hell, and suddenly we’re swimming in neo-Confederate secessionists and white supremacists and lackwits like Keith Ablow and Sean Hannity, and each new Republican crop in Congress is crazier than the last.

I have begun at last to understand poor Sisyphus, the legendary king of Corinth who had to keep rolling a big rock up a hill, watch it roll back down again, and then have to roll it back up, endlessly. The unfair part is that this ought to be the punishment inflicted on Republicans, because Sisyphus’ crime was deceitfulness. John Boehner ought to be doing this, and come to think of it, he may feel he is, but that’s his own fault. Don’t get me wrong: I will take what joy I can from that thought.

Of course, Sisyphus only got this punishment for claiming to be cleverer than Zeus. These guys claim to follow Jesus instead, but Jesus seems to be letting all this slide in the name of turning the other cheek. We can’t wait forever for the rapture, because good as it sounds (I have my eyes on some properties, yes), I don’t think the world is going to outlast the crazy. The future is supposed to be dystopian, not the present.

The only dim ray of sunshine I can find on this cloudy morning is that Kirk Cameron’s movie, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas, hasn’t saved Christmas. I just read that Cameron has earned the lowest of low ratings on IMDB – the Internet Movie Database’s Bottom 100. That’s right: his film has a rating of 1.5. That’s lower than Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004) and The Hottie & The Nottie (2008).

As the Friendly Atheist over at Patheos will tell you, this is worse even than From Justin to Kelly, 23 from the bottom of the Bottom 100.

The lowest score possible is 1.

Cameron’s film has a 0% positive rating on Rotton Tomatoes. ZERO. ZILCH.

To show you how bad Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas is, Battlefield Earth, the worst movie I have personally ever seen, ranked 2.4. I can barely conceive of 1.3. That’s like trying to imagine Ted Cruz thinking an honest thought, or Bryan Fischer reading the Bible.

Or John Boehner not being orange.

It’s literally out of the realm of comprehension.

Come to think of it, that matches the Religious Right’s integrity index.

And then it occurred to me that this will make Cameron believe more than ever that he is being persecuted and I thought, ‘You know what? I can live with that.’

Just like you have to take joy where you can find it, as with the image of John Boehner pushing a big rock up a hill endlessly, you have to learn to take the small victories in life.

You know, as in Kirk Cameron making the worst movie in history. Like, in forever.

24 Replies to “Republicans Are Idiots – But Kirk Cameron’s Movie Officially Sucks So Cheer Up”

  1. Thank you for this editorial. Yes, we wonder where all the crazies suddenly came from. Oh, we can figure it out logically by adding up the states that have the most heavily gerrymandered districts and then add in some Faux News, Hannity, Limbaugh but, emotionally, why now? Why at all? I think we can at least add in the influence of fundamentalist Islam and how it scares the religious right. They use the changes taking place as a sign of the end times. Education has been lagging in our nation to the point that we are well down the list. People coming out of high school are ill prepared as citizens. This is no joke. This is as serious as the future of our country but the GOP and the religious right want it that way.

  2. You’re right Keith. Paving the golden highway to theocracy. We all know that revolution comes from the right and to the loyalists on the right, this is their revolution. Their fight against immorality and indecency all in the name of their true lord and savior, $$$$$$$.

    The Taliban can learn a lot from the Republicans. All it takes is a few generations of dumbing down the electorate and the fruit is hanging so low even morons like Palin and Bachman seem appealing.

    Good luck to the USA as it continues to sink into the abyss of ignorance and intolerance. Can a complete loon in the White House be in our future? Will we soon have an Ambassador to Kolob?

  3. Great article. You have most recently been my favorite writer/commentator but today’s was, to me, your most thoughtful article every. Keep up the stuff.

  4. The hilarious part is that Rupert Murdoch and Breitbart website has rated it one of the best movies to watch. Literally.

  5. I wonder where it stand in regards to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”. The standard for the worst movie ever made.

    Edit: I had to look. The Killer tomatoes scored higher then the Kirk.

  6. HH,

    Terrific column, you always make me smile with your thoughtful articles.

    Shiva,

    I have always thought The Killer Shrews (1959) was the WORST movie of all time, but I may be wrong! ROFLMFAO

  7. Although now that you’ve written about it, I’m sure our new trolls will go and start a campaign to make as many fake accounts as possible so they can affect the rankings.

  8. One must take one’s pleasure where they can find it. There is not a whole lot of it to find these days.

    1.5? Really? Couldn’t happen to someone most deserving.

  9. Perhaps, but according to the Friendly Atheist, a similar effort at Rotten Tomatoes has already failed. Take heart!

  10. I think this latest rash of Christian films would have gone straight to DVD like they usually do, but theaters saw a chance to wring concession sales from those who don’t usually go to the vile movies the rest of us attend.

  11. In my eyes, this is a worthy punishment.

    Sell your soul to the right and be in the worst movie ever made. Yes, even worst then the truly worst movies ever made.

  12. Where all the crazies came from? Hrafnkell Haraldsson is right about Shrub — and actually, also his pater, GHWB. Shrub opened the door to hell when he was elected in 2000.

    I’ve been reading the compilation of articles the late Molly Ivins wrote, “Letters to The Nation” (the publication, but it may well have been to the nation), and she confirmed the general flow of moron-level intelligence that runs through that family.

    She warned us back in the early 1990s, though, that Jeb Bush was/is the meanest of the Bush brothers. Something to remember, come 2016.

  13. Ha! Did you know he’s the brother of a similiarly “devout” christianist, Candace Cameron Bure? On Dancing With The Stars’ 18th season, she told the world every time she got near Tom Bergeron’s microphone that she loved Jesus and thanked God for every dance.

    Testimonials should be reserved for one’s Sunday congregation. Why do fundamentalist evangelicals feel they must share their worship/hate/judgmental attitudes with everyone?

  14. If Jeb Bush looks as though he’s close to getting the GOP nomination, the Democrats had better start reminding folks about the sins (read: un-American activities) of the Bush family, going back to Jeb’s grandpapa, just as they brought to attention Romney’s failings as a businessman.

  15. How does “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” rank against “Plan 9 from Outer Space” or “Earth Girls are Easy”?

  16. Kirk Cameron has been sucked into the fox news propaganda machine. Hes a sellout Christian. That money comes in handy when your tv career goes in the toilet.

  17. “putting christ back in christmas”.
    would someone please tell cameron that christ is NOT the last name of jesus, but the latin word for king.

  18. I hate to pick nits, but if you’re going to quote Shakespeare, at least get it right.

    “Now is the ‘winter of our discontent’, ‘made glorious’ summer by this sun of York” is the opening line from Richard III, spoken by Richard in reference to his brother, Edward IV. The only Henry in the play is Henry Tudor, who doesn’t appear until the end of the play.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.