The Republican Cult of the Penis Has Replaced Christianity

Brian Brown of NOM - the National Organization of What you Can and Cannot do with your Penis

Brian Brown of NOM – the National Organization of What you Can and Cannot do with your Penis

So look, it all comes down to this: religious freedom – for everybody – or surrender to a religion that has become one exhaustive and somewhat puzzling narrative about not only the rights conferred on Republicans by their penises, but the things you can and cannot do with your vagina or penis.

To me, that’s an odd sort of thing to build a religion around, and we ought to stop calling it Christianity. Jesus didn’t talk about abortion and gay marriage and he didn’t ever say “penis” or “vagina.”

But hey, the freedom of religion promised by the First Amendment means you have the right to have a religion about things you can and cannot do with your penis and vagina if you want. I’m not judging. I just want to point out that while we have Sean Hannity denigrating Islam as a “death cult,” Right Wing Christianity has become a “penis cult.”

Apparently, Republican governors are afraid God is going to destroy America, you know, because of the aforementioned and promiscuous penises and vaginas. These rebellious penises and vaginas are flouting our traditional American values and so it is time something was done to slap them down in a non-50 Shades of Gray sort of way, because 50 Shades might have the opposite to the desired effect on all those Iowa religious fanatics. We want them feverish, say Religious Right organizers. But we want them feverish in a more traditional way.

Or it could be that Republican governors have realized that the penis- and vagina-obsessed lunatics surrounding them are a lucrative source of both votes and income. We’ve seen numerous examples of Republicans who will do and say just about anything for a…er, vote, with Mitt Romney only the most obvious recent example.

Another example is the “Chair Faller,” New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who is apparently only against vaccinations because Obama is for them and, well, somebody has to get those anti-vaxx votes. They might cancel out the votes he loses because he’s a mean, bullying prima donna. Besides, who doesn’t love a good plague? Look how popular Ebola was in right wing circles. It was very lucrative indeed, to the tune of one national election.

There is a word for this in the English language: pandering. And there is a whole lot of pandering going on, America. I am sure there are people who are absolutely sincere in their nut-jobbery, like the recently scape-goated Bryan Fischer, but there are some real political opportunists out there eager to fleece the flock and stroke penis-vagina anxieties. Just ask Brian Brown of NOM, busily stroking Judge Roy Moore’s penis anxieties.

Tamara Scott is one of those penis-vagina people you might not have heard of – much like Bryan Fischer five or six years ago. Right now, she is an Iowa Religious Right organizer and member of the Iowa RNC, and her most recent claim to fame is in helping Bobby Jindal make a fool out of himself with a bunch of Constitution-hating theocratic nutjobs in his home state of Louisiana. Which, as it turns out, is a good fit, because she’s the one who is telling us that these governors are worried about a 50-State Godly Smackdown on account of – you got it – all those uppity penises and vaginas.

Scott had previously told The View from a Pew (if you’re praying the view should be of your feet – or maybe your penis and/or vagina – I’m not judging!) that Bobby isn’t alone: according to her, South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley plans to help Bobby save America with a rally of her own, and that they’re working on Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, who has already proven he really doesn’t know much of anything about anything, to do the same.

Rick ScottScott followed that announcement up on her own show, “Tamara Scott Live,” by name-dropping cadaverous Florida Gov. Rick Scott, who might really think he needs some divine intervention before he completes his transformation into a vampire, and Iowa Gov. Terry Branstad, who has otherwise not proven his penis and vagina bona fides.

And Scott really, really wants that Destroyer of Economies, Kanas Gov. Sam Brownback – the only governor to attend Rick Perry’s own paean to Medieval superstition in 2011 (which had pretty much the same cast of nutjobs as Jindal’s). This begs the question: are there enough nutjobs to go around? Cindy Jacobs, prophet or not, can be only in one place at a time. If not, we should burn her as a witch. Right now.

After all, Scott says, the Book of Jeremiah has God saying, “If I build up your nation and you fall away, I’ll destroy you…If I’m going to destroy you and you repent, I will heal your land and rebuild you.” (Apparently a reference to Jeremiah 18:6-10)

Which leaves you wondering, what ever happened to that other part of the Bible…you know, the part with Jesus…what’s that called again? Oh, the New Testament! Yeah…where’s that? Jesus wasn’t about whole nations turning to God. He didn’t preach to his own Sanhedrin let alone to the Romans. Jesus talked about getting yourself right with God. Which involved turning the other cheek and loving your enemies and giving away your wealth if you are rich and being blessed if you are not.

I just want to know what happened to that Bible, and where they found this penis and vagina obsessed religion they’re trying to force down our throats. I personally find it difficult to believe that the American public is so penis and vagina obsessed that they want a 24-hour, seven-days-a-week diet of penis and vagina do’s and don’ts, and such high levels of obsession that we devote an entire religion into things we can and cannot do with them.

Seriously, I think their obsessions say a lot more about themselves than about us. The next time one of them accosts you, ask them out right: “Why are you so obsessed with my penis (or vagina)?” And then ask them to show you all the mentions of penises and vaginas in the Bible. That should give you time to sneak away.

Hrafnkell Haraldsson

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